TM49

My History Of Familial Incest
2021-10-02 21:36:15 (UTC)

Masturbation

This has been a part of my life for so long that I wouldn't know what to do without it. It stands in for my sex life at the moment, but I'd still masturbate even with a partner. I started from a young age because when one is sexualized early you find it to be an outlet I guess. Strangely I remember masturbating when I still played with barbies and now in middle age here I am still going at it, though I am finding during this beginning pre menopausal stage it is taking me a little longer sometimes to get turned on, and on a few occasions my orgasms haven't been as intense. Or, I try to go on to long and lose them. The hyper sexual periods seem to happen less frequently, though I did have one back in July. Sometimes I do it just to fall or asleep or if stressed out. I know how to touch myself. Often I use porn or reading material, and my own fantasies. Doing it with someone else is exciting and fun, esp if it's someone who can stir my senses.
I would say maybe the unusual part of it is that during solo masturbation I have rarely and if ever imagined someone I know. Typically I create fictional scenes in my head. It's like a porn of my own creation. The people are usually faceless, and I can twist and turn the story how I want it to go. I can change the beginning, middle, end, bring in others or just one to one. I find this much more intense than picturing someone that I know or have talked to. I've wondered over the years how many others masturbate this way. I've also wondered why I like making it up, and I believe it comes down to control. It's my way of controlling how I touch myself and I cum. If I were to picture someone I know then it would be like giving them some of the power, even if they didn't know it. With made up people I can morph them however I want. I can be free to explore anything I wish.
With mutual masturbation (someone I have feelings for) this changes because I am into that person. I can picture it because I see them or hear their voice and the emotional connection lets me into the reality of them. Sometimes though they don't always share my sexual exploration which leaves it more vanilla than I'd like, so I might have to reach harder for the orgasm. Liking them means I am willing to do it, because hearing or seeing their pleasure makes me happy and I enjoy my own pleasure more because of it.
I don't ever see myself not doing this unless biology stops me but I hope it doesn't. I also hope to explore sex with someone again face to face. We need that sexual connection with lips and hands touching and skin to skin. It's been to long for me and I fear this is my life now. At what point do you not come back to it? I don't know if that can be answered and I'm probably afraid of the answer too.
I hope HIM wants to masturbate later. Just talking about it is making me want to do it.
-TM




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