Nihilist Cowboy

A Sick Man, A Spiteful Man, An Unattractive Man
2021-09-30 18:57:53 (UTC)

9/30/2021 Thoughts: The Virtues of Singleness

Over the last few days, I have been trying to think more positively about how my life is progressing. My health has been deteriorating with my unending vertigo now turning into fatigue, muscle weakness, and total brain fog. I am pretty sure my stomach ulcers have returned since I puked up blood again a few days ago and taking popping omeprazole like candy has not been working. Every night I am sleeping like crap since I am waking up dealing with heartburn. Dealing with all of this hassle of the health stuff is hard enough as it is, but I have also had a pretty bad attitude towards work which is not helping my stress. While sitting in a steroid and antibiotic haze, I decided that I really need to be more positive about life.

I like to complain about where I am at in life and feeling like a failure due to my living situation and relationship status. However, my life does have a sense of peace to it that not too many of my peers can experience. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have listened to coworkers stress over spouses and children. Even today, my coworker Maria told me that she never had the ability to have alone time or even do basic activities that I take for granted such as going to the grocery store alone. My life is usually pretty quiet and I do not have that many responsibilities.

I do want a close relationship and I do long for intamacy, skin to skin contact, and sharing a bed with someone other than the cat. Regardless of missing those experiences, life is calm and I need to be thankful of the calmness that my life usually is, at least outside of work. I dont have anyone to provide to other than myself. Since I have been feeling sick, I left work at 430 and I got home and have been sitting in the chair resting. If I were in a situation where my life was similar to most people my age, I would not have the opportunity to come home and get in the chair. Is living with Mom really worse than what my coworkers go through?

I want closeness, affection, love, and all the other related stuff, but I need to be more grateful that I do not have the live the life that most 30 year olds around here experience.

I really cant think of anything else to write tonight since my mind is so foggy. I need to still work on my big entry that was supposed to be ready this week.




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