legacy

If I die today
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2021-09-30 14:12:15 (UTC)

hellfire dept

Today is stufy "smallgroup" night so going out early yLindse is taking me to the post office before since nDea has been working late a bit and its sorta chatioc. Well as far as things theres no inentions in me I dont have much to offer. Still waiting on that check to get to mom. Time to face the music so mom of course had to bring up in teext on annete from mc=fd is in her wwprogram . well shit do i even answer if I know her. I dont really rember her but vaguly think she may have been a paid ff. I am not postive. Those years of my life are so embarassing. Its still kinda sad shameful frustrating bc I dont hink anyone really understands or knows what I was going thru yes I did a lot of stupid things and well I did a lot of stupid things for probaly stupid reasons . using the word but voids most things before it so I cant say but. Im just saying I'm differnt now and even now I'm still gaining understanding of who.what I was and did. Theres no way to erase the past and sometimesI feel its hopeless trying to use it all we have is the future . I mean I was in deep and dark and my life was bad pathetic and crazy chatioc. maybe I deseerved alot of the sh!t that came my way or that I endured. Its just sad and sick id rather forget. I do regret some foolishness most of it. The lies and deciet I regret big time and am not proud of I did join the FD with a good orignal heart but then the door opened for trouble and other focuses and bam I got off track within like a day. I really honestly wasnt cut for it. Its a shame I think everyone knew. Its sad it was clicky too and I would do stuff the 'poplar or in" people did and I ended up being the one a fool. So sad. I did lack charatcer I still do. I couldnt pass a firefighter exam physicslly toaday if I tried bc well fear/anxiety maybe strenght or physcial limits but I can see how I owuld weeny out. what I think about my FD years Im sorry I took adavatge and hastly entered into the business and that I sought my own attention grattifucation and my own recontion. My life has been spent searching for my own reconation and glory. So sadly this thought may have been correcct or incorrect but i recall pretty clealy days before I turned 16 I saw the ad in the pennysaver asking for firefighters and I disteincly remeber thinking about being like jesus and that I could risk my life and save someone. I thought I was going to be like Jesus. While that all never panned out for anything but trouble I refcall the orignall motive. Then well a 16yr old girl in the FD and men and me not driving no money and so on I had needs. Also being that my whole life till then even little did I foressee thru those ages was just pure screw up failure after failure and embarssing halfassed idea after anotheer when things seemed good. There was no good in my life. I cant exsplain myself theres no exsplation . I was despratee confused probally clinically crazy. Wish I never had to think of or encounter any thing anyone from there again it does make me feel sick inside phycially and mentally thinking of my personal little expiernce. Its still ashame. I'm glad to be out of it but I still wish I could do it clean cut like that I would have made it to acheive skill to do the task and do them well its all cool exciting stuff. I have no interst in emerhency responce now since we live underthespell ofC-19panvirus now althou I did think the other day aww man I always wanted to be a 911calltaker I suppose I still want that but realistacly I know thats not a good fit for me. nothing is genuine. The real emergency is in our hearts I guess and while I will never save just maybe maybe I'm useable I havnt mastered that either. I'm intersted in coounseling others but lack oppruinty and character. bookknowlege or what "they" teach doesnt appeal to me I want hard truth to share. still dont know m y purpose or how to redeem the time I cant even put out my own fires. guess it all goes back to matthew 6:33 . Seeking 1st. Anyhow I'm fighting the truth bc its embarssing and I still like to leave out detials or leave room for imagination so the being in the fire dept sounds like I did good. but it was bad. I want to be healed of all this and get over the shame hurt embarssment and I would like clairty or why althou I cant always ask or exspect I'll unerstand i would like that. I dont want to be rembered for this foolishness. I would like to be rembered as a woman of GOD like I hope I turn into a true female in character action and appearnce. also I recall days I want to say at age 14 i did this but every day for years and years till 20-14 i would wake up and the first word out my mouth was f- or s* This means something to me bc I always felt so dark and heavy and burdned and I literally thinkg my soul/spirit I went from death to life. Well thats all I can think of right now but i'm having emoitions thoughts feelings and distractions going on


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