nerd™
the anger games
day 1683, Hutch.mp3
listening to Hutch by big red machine and it got me over thinking about people's reaction to losing someone to suicide. i love the song and i know Aaron himself has struggled with depression and suicide for a long time and it's so sad he lost a friend like that. it's just that i never understand the whole "these are the things that i wish i could say to you"?
"so how did you lose your way?
And what can you tell me now?
How are you these days?
I want to know everything
How hard are times out there?"
the whole verse is so weird to me. idk how to explain it.
you always say you wish you had checked on them more often or that you had seen the signs or any variation of these things but. you didn't. and they're gone. and it's not your fault. they would still be gone even if you did check on them. because it's not about you.
i dont understand what are you so sad and angry about. your life is not even affected by their choice to leave.
im going to speak about myself, i know my family would be really sad and perhaps a little angry too. very angry actually now that i think about it. but why?
i can't comprehend why they would miss me? the best i can come up with is that me being gone would mess up their routines a little? they'd have to do the things i used to help with around the house? but that's all. i dont contribute to anything in their lives. they don't depend on me in anything major. im not even there for them emotionally when they need me. we don't even see each other at all on work days.
im not even a fun person to be around. im not helpful in any fuckin way. im more a burden than anything else and they'd know it's true if they thought about it for a split second.
so why do you need me here? why do i have to keep suffering just to spare you the irrational sadness and anger?
"how did it get that bad?
did you even hesitate?"
i dont mean this as an accusation but if you can't tell that it's that bad then maybe im not that important to you? i know everyone is busy and have their own struggles but you'd still make room for people you truly care about and im not one of them. and that's fine you know. it's absolutely not your fault at all. it's mine. im just not a good person. im not good at conveying my emotions or saying the things i want to say or asking for help or making a room for myself in people's lives i just fade into the background. so why do i need to stay if im so fuckin useless?
you'll only notice me when im gone because of the inconvenience it would cause you. and im sorry about all of this.
sometimes i wish i didn't have a kind family like you so i could just leave. i never meant to hurt any of you. and still i hurt you when im here and i will continue to do so when im gone. it feels like i was put on this earth to hurt people.
but i swear if you could just try to let me go you'll find it's not that hard. you'll realize that i do more harm than good. that your life is quieter and calmer without me. im not saying you'll be happier when im gone, im not that significant. no. but you won't be more miserable without me either. it'll be like im just holed up in my room all day. you won't remember that anything happened most of the time.
i wish i could say any of these things in real life. i wish i could just leave.
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