miss mess

midlife implosions
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2021-09-30 16:24:23 (UTC)

#3 of 52

quote for the week...

"rather than BEING your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them" (eckhart tolle)

1. WE ARE EVER EVOLVING, YET THERE IS A CORE TO WHO WE ARE AND HOW WE ENGAGE WITH THE WORLD. WHAT ARE SOME RECURRING THEMES IN YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT...

A. YOURSELF
B. THE WORLD
C. THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU

REGARDING YOURSELF, ARE THERE THOUGHTS THAT YOU HABITUALLY TRY TO PUSH AWAY? IF SO, WHY?

answers...

A. recurring thoughts about myself:

i'm not good enough...no matter what i fix or improve or change...i have still always felt LESS THAN.

i have no purpose in life that makes me important, other than how i take care of others. there isn't anything about me that will leave any kind of special lasting memory when i'm gone. there is nothing special about me...i am just here.

i am so deeply flawed, that many people i've loved deeply in my life...will and have abandoned me at some point, finding that i'm not necessary to keep in their life. people i've loved in my life so deeply that the loss of them has never healed, have found it quite easy to live withOUT me.

B. recurring thoughts about the world

i think the world is a frightening, judgemental place full of people ready and waiting to find something to fight about. people don't look for ways to appreciate differences or even respect them...they'd rather fight over them, sometimes to the death. i think it's sick. i think humans forget that on some level, they are all the same. we bathe in ignorance, and individual truths are only accepted if they are agreed with...and we seem to be completely okay with this. i don't feel like things will get better. armies arent just made up of military anymore...they are being made up of people joining together to do harm to anyone who isn't on their side. humans against humans, without seeing it.

C. recurring thoughts about those around me

this question is hard. to be fair, i'd have to take each person in my life and give my recurring thoughts about them individually, because it's different for each. in a nut shell, as a WHOLE, the only thing i can really say is that, tho we love each other, we do not always ACCEPT each other for the way that we all are. we do NOT appreciate the differences between us, and so alot goes into "walls of denial" in my family. we do not trust enough, or are not brave enough to say things we think, so much goes unsaid. no one wants to "stir a pot" so to speak, and so that film on the top of the soup, is the where we all engage....very surface. not diving into the depths of what would be so much more challenging, and real and DELICIOUS. the surface is safer. it's easy to pretend on the surface. but should you go any deeper, you'd have to possibly gasp for air, or struggle to get to the surface again, and no one wants that. this has caused great rifts between ALL of my family and i. something in me craves all the depths, even when they aren't always easy. they are just more true...more honest. but my family would rather not ever dive....and just keep things peaceful. the only exception to this is the relastionship i have with my youngest daughter. tho we do not discuss alot of the things that i struggle with, she and i have a mutual understanding for depression and anxiety, and we do share unpleasant feelings with each other, where the rest of our family would rather not hear that we feel the things we sometimes feel.

ARE THERE THOUGHTS ABOUT MYSELF THAT I HABITUALLY TRY TO PUSH AWAY AND WHY?

I am not sure i know how to answer this question. i feel like all my self thoughts are pretty negative, and even when i have an occasional positive thought, i'm quick to talk myself out it. i will ask dr. M about this and get some guidance on how to answer it.

2. WE ALL HAVE UNIQUE RELATIONSHIPS WITH DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES. SOME EMOTIONS ARE FAR MORE FAMILIAR AND EASIER TO US TO CONNECT TO THAN OTHERS. ARE THERE EMOTIONS YOU EXPERIENCE MORE FREQUENTLY OR EXPRESS MORE FREELY? ARE THERE OTHER EMOTIONS YOU RARELY ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL?

i experience alot of emotions that i DON'T express. those would be anger, anxiety, fear, nostalgia, sadness or sorrow, disgust, grief, guilt and indignation. these are things i feel often that i stuff down more than i ever express.

emotions that i express would be those i feel toward my daughters or grandbabies, such as excitement, delight, joy or happiness, love, and pride.

emotions that i don't allow myself to feel most of the time, meaning when they arise, i stuff them down...would be desire or craving, and love in certain areas, as well as happiness in certain areas, because i expect it to change or be taken away.


3. LOOK BACK AT YOUR PREVIOUS ANSWERS. CAN YOU RECOGNIZE HOW YOUR CORE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS INFLUENCE AND REINFORCE ONE ANOTHER?

most (or all) of my core thoughts in the first question are negative or fearful. and i guess if thats the bulk of my core thoughts/emotions, then they would definitely be feeding off of one another, without anything positive to offset or balance things. that would explain the complete and utter RUT i've been in for so long when it comes to having or believing in HOPE, which is neccessary for change.

a. ARE THERE SPECIFIC THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THAT LEAD YOU TO SUFFERING?

all of my core thoughts lead to suffering in some way, on a daily basis...both emotionally and mentally.

b. ARE YOU WEARY OF FEELINGS OF JOY?

i am very weary of joy and happiness. i know that when it comes by way of my grand children, i can count on it. but in other forms...it's always been so fleeting for me, that i refrain from trying to grasp it in any way.

c. CAN YOU IDENTIFY HOW AVOIDING CERTAIN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS COULD INFLUENCE YOUR LIFE FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE?

of course i can see how the negative ones influence my life for the worse, and how not being able to rid myself of them makes my life REMAIN in the negative. if i were able to grasp or claim more of the more positive emotions, i would obviously feel more moments of happiness or content. but so much is based on those around me, that when i try to grasp something for myself, it's often shadowed by how someone else makes me feel...and i wind up feeling like, "why try?"

d. HOW ARE YOUR EMOTIONS PROTECTING YOU AND/OR HINDERING YOU?

at this point in my life, the only way my emotions are protecting me, is keeping me from adding any FURTHER hurt to myself. don't invest, don't lose anymore of myself. i DO see how that hinders me, but again....at THIS POINT in my life, i don't feel like the payoff is worth it to invest and risk more pain. my core emotions, which are all negative, are definitely hindering me from experiencling more of the joy and happiness that i so badly want to have. but also...i'm trying to believe that those positive emotions are even something i'm entitled to live in. if i can't fully believe that...then i am not able to relax in them to get their full benefit anyway. and the "believing part", is not just something that happens because i WANT to believe. wanting to, and being able to...are two very different things on very opposite ends of a road for me. have i earned the happiness i want? i don't know. are we supposed to EARN it? does happiness just come for some people? it's never just come for me. i've risked alot for the moments of it that i've truly experienced....and still...it's never lasted.


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