miss mess

midlife implosions
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2021-09-30 01:37:32 (UTC)

She...and me

Still working out the extra day of yoga with my instructor. Yoga is not cheap. Retirement is fixed income. The two don't always jive. But something will get worked out. With all this self journey stuff...i know, without a doubt, that yoga needs to be part of my life, even if I have to just stick to these three days I already have and do more on my own with the off days. I need what yoga gives me...and I need to expand upon it and deepen the practice. Where there is a will, there is a way.

So, my beautiful cam is really sick.. It's very scary, and the struggle he is in is bringing on another of his dark place depressions. My heart aches for him...i wish I could convey the depth of that. He is looking at a year long (or more) battle that will be painful and exhausting. And then...possible surgeries if healing can't be as complete as hoped for. It just breaks my heart that this has happened to him. He can't work because of it...his life is literally halted for these crucial treatments. If he goes dark on me again...he will be completely alone, and I'm afraid for him. He let me go so that he could move forward in life to have his dreams of family and children...and now this happens?

I want to be the friend I didn't think I could be. It matters so much now that I can do that. I have let go of all the "wishing things could go back to what we had". At least I believe I have? So who better to be there for him than someone who loves him inside and out? He doesn't have close friends...hes very much a dark, solitary, beautiful brooding man. A perfect desperado. But no one should be alone thru something like this and I can't bear to think of him being alone in all the fear, pain, and uncertainty of it. I can be his friend...and still maintain my own "just begun" journey. I am determined to manage both. He loved me thru my Covid recovery...never wavering. I need to do the same for him. My feelings need to NOT get in the way of being the friend he needs.

In therapy today...we mostly discussed my current self discovery exercise. I haven't gotten it posted here in my journal yet, so talking about it won't make any sense. Hope to get it in here tomorrow. I can say this much...the exercises feel heavy to me. Hard. Like looking in mirrors into my own eyes that I've avoided looking into for too long. It's enlightening...but in painful ways, and I see that I have so much work to do...to Undo me, if that makes sense.

Some days I feel gung ho and all out determined to find myself under all the masks I wear. To finally be my authentic self, freed from the chains others don't even realize they've put on me with their expectations. And other days...it just feels like so much work, and I fear the authentic ME isn't worth all that work. I question...isnt it just easier to conform to what I'm inwardly fighting? Just conform...and continue as I always have? But something in me won't rest now. Or someone. It's like I'm screaming to get out of myself, unwilling to keep settling for less than what I NEED. And I know that no matter how much work I have to do...no matter how scary and exhausting it's going to be...i HAVE to do it. I HAVE to figure out what SHE (me) wants, because she's refusing to remain silenced for much longer. She wants to breathe. She wants to live. And I know she is me...but I'm just not connected to her yet...and she's fighting for that connection.


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