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At least it's over now.
My brain has decided it's more functional today, rather than cripplingly depressed. Possible factors are;
Hormones returning to a workable level,
Making myself eat enough,
Eyelid is fixing itself so I don't have to see a doctor about it.
But I always wake up feeling bleh. Because I'm addicted to kratom, and it has a short...
Nah. That's an excuse. I was just angry. As much as I have every right to my feelings, my actions are the problem.
I should've remained sarcastic. Should've gone along with... He felt better. Hilariously, my sarcastic message where I completely reversed reality/my truth, was what he needed to hear.
When my claws are out I just need to have another go. I could've worked with his relief, his guard being down. But I lost sight of the fact that's all I wanted, ultimately, was for his guard to be down. So that he could actually be honest with me. And instead of using that new channel to bridge some real communication, some resolution, I used it to hit him deeply.
But in any case it's over now.
I had no idea he actually gave a fuck. I honestly didn't. It didn't seem that way to me. When you've experienced so much cruelty and indifference, that's what you see.
Well who knows what the fuck there is to do now?
Ok. I'll be honest. I'm saying "I'm glad it's over" but really, I'm bargaining. I want to go back in time and change it from
"Oh wow I was being sarcastic"
To... Just letting myself calm down and process his response.
Anyways fuck him
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