miss mess

midlife implosions
2021-09-28 17:59:48 (UTC)

all kinds of bumps

a few weeks ago, i noticed a spot on my chest...a BUMP that is similar to a blister, but itchy. but it never went away. this morning i had a skin biopsy. it was a simple procedure and mostly without pain. i will have results in a weeks time.

my husband made no motion to go to this appointment with me. in fact...when i told him last week, that the doctor wanted to do the biopsy, his only reply was "okay". sometimes i feel like my husband is just tired of me having one issue after another...depression, menopause, covid, foot surgery, now a small biopsy. for him...maybe i'm just a pain in the ass and he's over it, i don't know. maybe i'm just a BUMP in his road. in any case...i went alone to the appointment, and it truly made me FEEL "alone". but...like i say all too often, it is what it is.

i have talked with my yoga instructor, indicating my desire to add another day of yoga session to my routine. right now, i do three days a week, live on zoom with her, and my daughters do those sessions with me (and i do yoga on my own on the in between days). when yoga began, it was only restorative yoga....as i was trying to gain back strength and muscle after covids wreckage. but we have progressed to boot camps, power yoga and my favorite...vinyasa. however, my daughters are not as thrilled as i am, with the harder levels of yoga, and much more prefer the restorative levels of stretching and holding poses. so...since my hunger is driving me forward, i spoke with her about doing an additional solo session of vinyasa only, so that i can be pushed to my limits without feeling like i'm pulling my daughters along unwillingly. my yoga teacher will be getting back to me soon to set up a slot for that. i'm excited.

there is something i want to explain about yoga. i have found this wonderful sense of peace and strength DURING a yoga session. while i'm on my matt, being instructed and pushing my body to wonderful places, i feel very "with myself". i'm connected during these times...mind, body and breath. but when yoga is over and i leave my matt, i struggle with bringing that peaceful, strong feeling with me, into other parts of my day or life. so i have begun to study the mind and breath aspects of yoga, which lead to meditations, mantras, intentions, etc....and its very much something i want to practice on a deeper level. i am craving that connection to myself...in more areas than just while doing the work outs. i'm craving it badly. something happens on the matt....all else is shut out. all else fades away. i am able to focus on what i'm feeling and being completely PRESENT. something i struggle with when not on the matt, as i said. i am seriously trying to find a way to manuever the BUMPS in my own road, with more grace and peace and acceptance, instead of this constant feeling of turmoil.

in other things...i have learned that cam is suffering a serious health issue, so...we are communicating every few days. i thought this BUMP in our process would set me back, but i'm finding that these communications are really about being concerned for his well being, and not my typical desire to find a way to CONNECT with him. so...at this point, i think the communications are safe for MY well being. i think i really HAVE let go of something very major, regarding him, because it doesn't hurt to hear from him or write to him anymore. for so long, it just felt like everything in me was trying to GO TO HIM, during every single communication, but that's not the case right now. and i really hope remains the truth going forward, because if this isn't a TRUTH...it will come back on me.

i'm having a weird round of anxiety today....maybe from the biopsy this morning? i don't know...i just feel very tense and jittery, like i've had too much coffee, but that's not the case. i hate days like this....it makes me want to just lay down and try to sleep away the feelings. but i am supposed to be working on the next self discovery exercise, before my appointment with my therapist on thursday. i hope this one is not heart wrenching. i'm not sure i can do any more BUMPS today.


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