LustingforNightmares

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2021-09-27 16:10:07 (UTC)

being a bad person— wanting to go home

"Sorrow" by The National

September 27, 2021 Monday 4:10 PM

I think it should be noted that The National tends to have really ugly album covers. If not ugly, then nondescript. They're too clean, and with too many rainbow pops. The only one I can really appreciate is the cover for the "Cherry Tree" single (but the font is still ugly).

My hands ache.

I've been doing a bit better. The bad dreams have eased up a lot. I'm still not sleeping well, but when have I ever? I'm beginning to identify with the term "insomniac"—not the type that never sleeps, but the type that lays awake for a long time before dropping out of consciousness.

A couple times this week, I've fallen asleep for brief naps. Usually with my cat (Barty—he likes my bed. Gus usually stays on the couch downstairs curled up in that little donut shape). Sometimes I'll hold his paw loosely, but usually I just press my arm against his back and he purrs and kneads at whatever part of me is available and I nod off.

It's so much easier to take a nap than it is to fall asleep at night. Even if I'm exhausted, I keep jerking awake whenever I have a thought that's just. Too much. Or I have the bad habit of noticing when I'm falling asleep, hearing the nonsensical voices and seeing flashes of things. I say "Huh, I'm starting to dream," at which point it abruptly stops.

So I was thinking about the thoughts everyone has when they're a little messed up emotionally. And how it's funny that a lot of us have the same thoughts. In particular, the other night, in the bath, I had the thought: "Am I a bad person?"

What a weird thing for me to think. Because I don't even know what it means to be a bad person. I think I've done bad things, but nothing crazy. In general I try to be a nice and considerate person. If anything makes me worse than the next person, it's that I often choose to do slightly hurtful things rather than do them accidentally. By which I mean, I'll ignore people voluntarily or push off problems or be flaky; and I know I'm disappointing someone by doing those things, but it's just much easier to give in, so I do. I know ghosting is not a great form of rejection. It's so—unclear. Unclear for me too, the rejecter, lmao.

But I don't care. I just don't. When I know I'm hurting someone, it doesn't feel as bad as when I'm doing it accidentally. That always catches me off guard and hurts for a long time. But when I make the decision to debase myself, it's kind of okay, because I'm ruining things for myself ultimately and I am willing to bear the consequences for that.

I don't feel like a bad person when I do those things. I'm not the best, but I'm also not an altruist, thanks. I'd much prefer to conserve what strength I have.

When I'm on the receiving end of my own treatment, it's hard to be too upset about it, because I know I've done the same thing. Like with DH and how he stopped talking to me, lmao. I kind of don't care, because I would've been surprised to receive the opposite treatment. It makes perfect sense. I'm not a priority. It'd be weird if I was.

With Karina slowly leaving me behind, I can't be mad. She hasn't started a conversation with me in—ages. The last time I tried to talk to her, it went nowhere. My campaign to resist the whole growing apart thing had, by that time, been going on for months. Ah, it was a valiant effort—well, not really. My efforts are generally pretty weak, because I'm weak. It's kind of lame to be proud of myself for finding the energy to text her every couple weeks... But it's more than I can usually get myself to do, so woohoo!

Alas. It didn't work out. I even asked her to talk to me more, like—straight up. That didn't work either. It's not like she meant to ignore me, either. I just stopped being an essential part of her life. I stopped being important.

I'm sad, sure. But I'm not bitter, really. I feel like this is what I deserve. And I don't even mean that in a self-deprecating way—I just mean I understand. There were too many times that I took Karina for granted and didn't bother to maintain contact between us. Too many times that proximity did the job of keeping us close, more than my own abilities. Too many tines I thought that we just didn't belong together. We have different senses of humors, different outlooks, different everything. I never felt like she knew me, but I did feel like she loved and supported me in a sort of unconditional sense. So I did my best to be good to her and I tried not to make mistakes.

I am sure I disappointed her all the time, but I felt like she would forgive me. I wanted to listen to her talk about herself to me.

Anyway, I was far away from her for too long and she needed to focus on other things and I'm not part of that anymore. She's, I think, very happy and stressed right now and with the sort of people that support her lifestyle.

I would not be one of those people. I would do my best, but I think if she were to reach out to me right now, I would cringe away, because I feel really low and useless and. Stuck. So. Even if she missed me, I wouldn't be good for her right now, I don't think.

Some of this seems kind of—a warped way to think. I think I'm being a little too selfish, thinking of myself like that. But I'm just glad I don't have to spend all this energy pretending to be the kind of person who deserves to be around Karina. She'd really dislike if I said something like that—or if she knew I was thinking it.

Ugh, the point was to say—I do things like this all the time, so I understand when it happens to me. It sucks to realize you're not as important to someone as they are to you, but it's the way things go and it doesn't make either of you bad.

I was talking about this a couple weeks ago with Maria too, because they've been feeling really hurt lately. Greg, Maria and Nadiya have all been friends since freshman year of college, and it was hard for Maria when Nadiya and Greg started dating. Nadiya thought at first it was because Maria had a crush on Greg, but—I don't know this for sure—I think it's because Maria was afraid of being left behind.

And what sucks is that now they have been left behind. It's similar to what happened with Karina—where it's not like Greg has grown away from Maria for a reason. He just doesn't think about them anymore. It doesn't even occur to him to maintain their relationship. I had a sharp pang when I realized Maria and I were in similar situations.

---

A "bad person." In the bath thinking, "Am I a bad person?" Well. Automatically, the answer to that is "yes," but that's just as meaningless as the question. It's like the thought is a weird manifestation, an interpretation of a feeling I can't actually name. Abandonment?

People all over the world have this same thought and this same feeling. Maybe for legitimate reasons, but also maybe for mine. Sad people think this when they're alone. Trying to find a reason for the guilt they feel. Or shame.

Because I don't feel guilty for making bad decisions. The truth is, I'd make them again and again just to feel the same rush of relief that comes when I give up. I feel ashamed—not guilty. I couldn't have done anything differently, wouldn't've. It's not a behavior, it's a reflection of who I really am. Am I a bad person—for wanting to give up all the time? For letting myself give up?

It came out of nowhere—how did I end up thinking a question like that? I was in the bath. Watching NGE the other day, there's that scene in episode 2 where Shinji is in the bath and he comments that he hates bathing because it allows him to think. It reminds me of when I was depressed and I'd make the water hot and sit at the bottom of the tub and wish I didn't have hair on my body, or genitals at all. I'd hate being in the shower and try to do it quickly so I didn't have time to be alone with my thoughts.

In anime, there seem to be a lot of bath scenes—what a weird thing. That's not common in American storytelling, as far as I know. In general, understatedness and silence—is not much of an American thing. Which I kind of like for it's own reasons. I like both, but I'm saying—I dunno. I wish there were more shows like ATLA or Over the Garden Wall or even Voltron. I like the way they just—say what they're thinking.

It bothers me and spills into cheesy territory when the emotional moments are so—communicative. There's a lot of telling and not showing. Thinking of Pidge's arc in Voltron and how on-the-nose it was; it was basically her saying "I love my family and my brother," with very little actual development of their relationship; even in the flashback scenes, their friendship made no freaking sense. Pidge was way too nice.

But anime isn't always better—instead, the characters say vague things and then start screaming/sobbing their emotional epiphany, which is over the top in its own way (I think NGE actually does that bit well, for the most part, but it was certainly jarring—anyway, people cry a lot in anime and it's so shiny and weird). It's rare to find an in-between. Sorry for the limited data—I'm not in a place to think to deeply about this stuff.

This is the direction my thoughts went after the "am I a bad person?" thought. Into panels and storylines. It's kind of annoying, to do that. I mean—I'd rather think about it as a story than as a real thing, but it has its drawbacks. I end up thinking of my life as a story—not that I will admit that to anyone if I can help it. Once, when Lancelot suggested that idea to me, I vehemently denied it because that's way too humiliating!!!

You know, that's probably why I feel so detached from things sometimes. It's not great.

--

On TikTok, I saw a video of someone making a joke about how when they were little, they'd wake up every day with a feeling that they'd "later identify as dread." And someone in the comments was like, "LOL yeah having that constant thought that you wanna go home even when you're in your house" (then an obligatory comment from someone saying "I've never had an original experience in my life huh D:").

That struck me too, because isn't that a weird thought too? An instinctive one: "I wanna go home." I wonder if it's the same in other languages, the same sort of sudden urge to retreat to somewhere safe. Home, hogar, дом, other languages that I don't know~ lol. Places where you can stop pretending a little. A place where you don't have to be a person anymore, you can just sort of—dissolve in the amniotic sac haha. Shelter.

"I wanna go home, I wanna go home." We don't think about where it's coming from, it's just a sentence that floats up unassigned to a specific meaning, and it's confusing when the word "home" ends up meaning "safe" instead of denoting a place.

I wonder how many other nonsensical thoughts come up like that. And why we all get such a similar arrangement of words when we're feeling a placeless thing like guilt or shame or exhaustion.

---

I got a call back from one of the 3 therapists I called, finally, but he doesn't have an opening until October 18. I don't know how I feel about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. He said it's about "identifying feelings" and then, like developing coping mechanisms. Well, I don't have trouble identifying the feelings and the physical symptoms or even the triggers. I sometimes have trouble feeling those feelings. But the main problem is that I can't handle them and it sucks.

And also that I don't have anyone to talk about the thoughts that are bothering me. I just want to talk. Have someone tell me, "Hey. That kind of sucks." Sounds—ugh, sounds pretty pathetic, lmao!!

Anyway. I'm doing okay. Mom and I are going to make curry tonight for dinner, so I should go put the rice in the cooker now that it's been soaked and washed. I also wanted to go on a run before dinner, and I usually go around this time.

It's kind of chilly out. I'm ignoring most of my texts and I'm trying to ignore most of my thoughts. The bath isn't warm enough because it's still broken—it's been broken for something like 5 or 6 years now? LMAO. It's so normal for me to wash myself with a plastic bin and a pot that I really appreciate when I have a functioning shower at someone else's place. It could be much worse. Whenever we visited Nicaragua, we had to shower with freezing cold water that filled up a big garbage bin. It was really hot out all the time, which helped, but still. Torturous!!! D,:

Running is nice and also terrible, as is typical. Everything is weird and warped and I'm just trying to claw my way back into normalcy for a bit. Trying to ignore the feeling of failure. I know it's not real—and not uncommon either. Maybe it's that I'm not used to failing and I've done it a little too often in the past couple years.

Still. I should be okay. I will be okay! I am okay. Okay seriously time for me to go—

Been watching Noragami, Kamisama Kiss, and Horimiya. Also I saw part of a documentary about early Victorian era bakers and their terrible lives. Ah, how I love to hear about suffering.


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