Scream Above the Sounds
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2021-09-27 14:44:57 (UTC)

The First Day

It was everything I expected really. The terrible bus journey which I have totally not missed at all. Not only is it expensive, but it's just full of degenerates. I only slept 3 hours. I'm not sure if it was nerves or just me suffering from generally having a bad sleeping pattern. Either way I stayed up and played a lot of FFXIV MSQ. I've almost finished Stormblood now. I think I went to bed at 5:30am and was up by 8:20am. It's gross. I feel terrible now, but also have a raid in XIV later so maybe I can get a few hours sleep in, unless it gets cancelled which it so often does these days.

I showed up at university like 30 minutes before the lecture started. My stupid dumb anxious ass finds it too daunting to walk into the university and either find my way or ask somebody for directions on where the room is, so I waited outside until I found somebody I recognised to just follow them. Sadly nobody came and it was like five minutes before the lecture started, so I had to just brave it and get in there. Luckily as soon as I walked through the doors I recognised somebody on my course, Chris. He didn't see me initially but I just followed him to the room, and then he recognised me and said 'Edd!' and shook my hand, he's a nice kid. I say 'kid', he's 19 but that's a fair bit younger than me so I think kid works. I'm very reserved and I guess if I can avoid contact and conversations, I would definitely prefer that. I just don't know if I'll survive this year unless I get to know them. I'm not sure how big our class is this year as a few people have dropped out, and only 7 of us showed up today, 2 more showed up via Zoom. I'll get on with them, no doubt. I mean we all study and have interests in the same thing. All we did today was talk about football, boxing and I spoke a little about wrestling with one of the guys there, and it's fine. I just don't know if I can do that every day for the next two years with them. I mean I'll make effort, for sure. I just enjoy my own space too much to get too involved with them.

I'm back in tomorrow from 10am-3pm and I think it's a joint lecture with people who are purely studying journalism and not sports journalism because it's to do with Mobile Sports Journalism/Journalism for Mobile and Social Media. It will be interesting and overwhelming to see a bigger class. 21 people supposedly. It'll be fine, I'm sure. I just hope I can sleep a little bit earlier tonight. It's going to take a while to get back into a routine. I don't really enjoy being out of the house for long periods either and having spent the first year home-schooled, it's just a very big change for me. I'm trying not to overthink and just go with it. I just feel like an 18 year old in a 30 year olds body. I don't feel very prepared mentally for this.

Not related to university but M text me a few nights ago, which really shocked me. I honestly never thought I would hear from her again, but I'm glad I did. She told me we would keep each others phone numbers in case of emergencies and stuff, so I was fearing the worst. She told me she was really struggling with the breakup, and I am too but I suppose it's important to remind ourselves why it happened. She told me she felt like it was the best thing for both of us, and I wasn't sure whether I believed it or not. I still miss her, I think about her a lot, and have been wondering if maybe I should send a text myself. I don't think it will do any good though. We spoke for about 30-45 minutes, just about how things had been going; I talked about university and she talked about travelling. She was in Austria, I'm not sure where she is now. I think she is visiting London at some point, because we had plans to meet when she was there. I have no doubt we'll likely talk again sometime in the future. I hope so anyway. I just want her to be happy.

I still feel a lot of stress and anxiety. I guess there is just a lot going on right now and it's becoming difficult to compartmentalise. I was playing through Stormblood last night and there was a bittersweet cutscene which ended up making me cry, and that was unusual because it takes a lot to move me, so I think I'm just overly emotional right now and I'm just struggling I guess. It's been a hard few months, and university has only just begun. I'm under no illusions that this year is going to be a lot harder than the previous. I hope I'm resilient enough to weather this storm. University aside, I have so much shit I need to sort out.


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