I have many thoughts right now. Distressing thoughts. Thoughts that are true. Thoughts that make me hate myself. Thoughts that push me towards solutions that are preferable and undesired. I think I’m always trying to not feel. Because once I do feel something, it returns to that cycle. I don’t even want to describe it. Just seeing my words on the screen right now makes me want to die. I think I just want to be sad. And pitiful. And pathetic. And isn’t that just despicable. I don’t understand and I feel stupid. Because I can’t do anything. I can’t feel bad because I have no excuse and I can’t correct myself because criticizing myself for feeling is a show of weakness. Invulnerability. Writing this will do nothing. I really really really wish I wasn’t here right now. I wish I couldn’t think. I wish I was smarter. Smart enough to have been asleep right now. I wish I was someone else. And I wish I was with someone else because I already ruined everything here. Not that they’d help me. They shouldn’t have to. I can’t tell anyone and I shouldn’t have to and I don’t know why I’ve made things so complicated. I feel so dumb. Where did it go wrong. Was this the inevitable? Not like any of this means anything. Too young to mean something and too old to pass it off as nothing. I have nothing. Futile efforts. All of it. I don’t even do anything.
There are many thoughts that pass through my mind at those times. Why didn’t I spend my time wisely, and why am I an idiot? I don’t know. Wasted sentience. I’d know. Of I’d know. Because I don’t know anything. And I’m so ignorant. And i hate everything about my mind. Then I remember what I look like and how ugly I must look crying and I just want to cry more. I want to disappear a lot. I really wish I had no physical form. Why does it come back at night. Why don’t I ever make better choices. Why do I have so many questions- no why do I ask so many when I know no answers will come. Because I need help. And I don’t deserve it. And I won’t ask for it. So I’ll never get it. I’ll fudging- oh just kill me why do I talk, write like this- I’m going to ruin all my chances at life in the future this way. Just drowning in my own stupidity.
Why am I even here. No seriously what were my parents thinking. Why haven’t I been killed off yet. My time being a capable human being is up. So why am I still here, just to suffer and make everyone else around me miserable.