miss mess

midlife implosions
2021-09-23 21:39:33 (UTC)

is this letting go?

(this poem is raw and not really edited, but probably won't ever be either...i'm just gonna leave it as is...just how it came out of me in that moment)


Our love was not allowed in our world,
So it rose above to a beautiful cloud...
Where passion was sweetly unfurled,
And cries of pleasure breathed out loud.

Stolen moments through lightening bolts
As my body shook with roaring thunder...
Taken over by strong electric jolts...
and waves among stars, that pulled me under.

I marveled at how I became lost in his eyes,
At how his voice moved thru me like liquid heat.
His hands on my skin took me to new highs...
His mouth on mine, the most delectable treat.

We confessed the most profound and true love,
We shared our darkest secrets and fears.
We were EVERYTHING up on that cloud above,
Sometimes so deep, that happiness brought tears.

But like all clouds that fade to nothing but mist...
due to the winds that blow them to and fro...
Our time together, could no longer exist...
And with a heavy heart...he has let me go.

The fall from the cloud is turbulent pain,
And I feel like I'm breaking as I'm tossed around,
Into a zillion tiny droplets of acid rain
That will desenegrate before they reach the ground.

I don't want to float down to a place without him,
I don't want to land in a place where WE can't be,
Without his love, the light in my soul is going dim...
And Like the cloud...there will be nothing left of me.


i wrote that poem, two days after cam let me go. and then i left it alone and didn't allow myself to look at it, because it's one of those things that would make me "feel"....when i've tried to do everything i can NOT to feel. of course that doesn't work...but it still makes sense to me to NOT take myself places where emotions will just....expand, like a sponge filling up.

anyway...i noticed something today that makes me so sad. a different kind of sad...how many kinds are there? i can't be sure of this thing i noticed, because when it comes to him, i can NEVER be sure....but today feels less...heavy. i don't know if i can explain what i mean. at the end of july, cam let me go, but i haven't been able to do the same, which is why i distanced myself from him even tho he wanted to stay in daily contact and work thru this remaining friends. i needed the chance to be away from him...to NOT have him everyday to talk to, in order to rein in my feelings...see things for what they are and get myself "settled" inside somehow.

i'm never going to stop loving him. or wanting him. but at some point...those feelings should temper enough, that i can think of him...of us, and smile as i remember things. feel grateful for the time we had, without the pain over-ruling the gratefulness. taking the distance from him so that my feelings had NO WHERE to go, would force me to drown in them...so to speak? because only in that way, would i finally feel the need to breathe BEYOND them. when you drown, you gasp for breath. i feel i haven't done that yet....like i'm still holding my breath. i am probably not making any sense. this is always my problem...not being able to properly convey things with the depth i feel them. but i thought....that i just needed to crawl thru all the broken peices of my heart...let myself bleed. again, so to speak. in my mind, i saw myself getting somewhere where i see "US" as this beautiful memory that i was glad to carry...without the pain of the loss of it. saw myself GETTING THERE...like it's a hellish, rough road i HAVE to travel from the beautiful oasis to...i don't even know. a place without the beauty, but also without the pain. a place "I...DON'T...KNOW." i just knew i had to GET there.

today i feel this sad sense of "letting go". like i've been hanging onto the edge of the cliff, by the tips of my bloodied fingernails, you know? just HANGING there. in yet another limbo. not willing to face his letting me go, and not willing to face whatever there is at the bottom when i let go. so....stuck...in the midst of what "was", and what is "done". and all of the sudden i realized...how tired i am. i'm so fucking tired from hanging on. for 8 weeks tomarrow, i've been hanging on the side of this damn cliff...unable to go up to what i've loved, and unwilling to let go and fall so far from it, that it's gone forever. in that limbo...i've still been "not far from it". until today...

i think i let go. when i realized how tired i am, from the state i've been in these past 8 weeks...without relief, i just wanted to be...DONE. not done loving him. but done...holding out for that chance to go backwards and undo all this. DONE. and in all the emotional upheaval inside me, something feels right about that. yet...now i feel this weird emptiness. like "I" am gone too. i know that's not true. rationally....i know that. but everything about me, has been about him....and then about that hanging on so that i didn't have to face the loss of him. EVERYTHING ABOUT ME...has been those things. and now...if i'm letting go...what replaces all those intense emotions that i've been driven by for so long? what will give me "life"? what will fill this shell that suddenly feels so empty?

in some far away part of my mind...i know the answers, and that they are largely based on this self journey i've already begun. i will fill THIS hollow, sad emptyness inside me....with ME. but at THIS MOMENT...RIGHT NOW...TODAY....i just feel a very weird, all encompassing...emptiness. and it's perhaps one of the saddest things i've ever felt. like a heartbreaking relief.

i've often likened my love for cam, to an addiction. its more pure than that to me, despite the fact that its an affair. but still...the way he got inside me and affected me and made me hungry for more and more all the time...it always felt like the sweetest addiction. but all addicts hit a rock bottom in order to recover. and today, i thought...if i let go, IF that's whats happening, and i stop dangling in this limbo, to allow myself to fall...maybe i'll finally hit MY rock bottom. and isn't that what one needs sometimes, so that the only way they can then go....is UP?

and like an addict...i will most likely ALWAYS struggle against the cravings for him.

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