Justwhatever

Sadnant
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2021-09-23 18:26:15 (UTC)

Lot came round the other day. ..

Lot came round the other day. He's even more stressed and prone to mental breakdowns than usual. I've never seen him have one, not knowingly anyways, but apparently he had one on the way to mine.

I do feel kinda guilty, just a very tiny bit. Because when saw him last, at his home, I didn't offer to help tidy or clean or change sheets even though it briefly crossed my mind to offer. And I'm sure it's all piling up. He likes things clean and neat.

And because I still haven't apologised for coming across... No, for actually being dismissive of his truth when he was talking about his ex.

I hope at least being in my room was a change of scenery enough to get him out of his head a bit.

It's funny, isn't it, how this desire to comfort someone is like, at odds with my desire to remain where I am. Or maybe I do desire intimacy. Yeah, I suppose I do, truth be told. As much as it scares me.

***

Objectification while on K is a trip. I felt myself sink into my bed with his weight pushing me down, and when he said something it didn't occur to me that I should respond, or do anything. I felt like something that could be lost down the side of the bed.

I'd rather be present though.

K is... What it is.
And sometimes my mind would go to not-good places, and I touched upon that box of pain, and I got thinking something along the lines of my own fragility. We're both on tightropes and yet I walk mine so carelessly, if I fall I fall. (My ketamine-addled brain conceptualised it as being a jumping spider, seemingly cute and harmless to draw people into my little web of despair. It also came up with the idea of a podcast which creates the experience of having a little voice in your head going on paranoid rambles. I'm an Artist lol.) And he's been closing up. Not that we've ever been super close, but yeah...

Sexually, I'm still trying to figure out what he wants. I mean the desire behind the desire. Power, and not having to worry - I suppose both of us, really, want to feel free from concern in fantasies, but realistically at least one of us needs to be keeping that awareness at any moment. He's the Top so it's usually him. But this time I felt like there was more responsibility on me towards him.
So, why not. I can have one date where I'm more active, participating and anticipating as a sex-maid as well as trip-sitter.

There's definitely a potent emotional sting when being hurt as punishment/correction. I mis-heard a command or two, accidentally hurt him, annoyed him some other way, and got a quick smack in the face and a stern tone each time. It didn't make me feel happy, so I could only internalise it as deserved. Does that ring a bell?

Perhaps now I've found the difference between humiliation and degradation? Humiliation is in being recognised for what I am, or fear I might be, or secretly want to be - to have the shadow-self brought into the light.
Degradation is in having my humanity denied. (Well, technically that's dehumanising, but they're effectively the same, I think.) To willingly submit to that, is me taking something away from myself. Denying my own power and desires and rights. Quelling that instinct for justice, that conscious survival instinct that gets me to stand up for myself.
To deny that and instead say "I deserve this. I truly am lesser."

Without consent it's just bullying and abuse, and if I was made to endure it with enough time or frequency I would probably break.

I think it's something I'd like to explore more, because I'm intrigued. But we both have to be in good places mentally (and SOBER!!) I have the responsibility to both of us to gauge when I can take being broken, because sure I can put myself back together (I'm an adult!) but he needs to be able to help. Else I'm just letting him break me and putting myself back together repeatedly, and that's shit lol


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