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2021-09-23 08:13:25 (UTC)

im so tired like actually im hungry

My life would be so much easier if I could just not go to school. I don't even care anymore. But it is obvious that my problem stems from not being able to stop myself from seeking my own happiness and satisfaction. Being unable to prevent distraction or decisions made out of boredom and desire to escape my current tasks. By focusing on each and every task I go through in my day, and 'not minding' all those annoying sounds that drill into my head during the morning, I might be able to follow a semi-organized schedule without distress.

If I was able to control when my ears worked, life would be much easier. Aware that this would affect my mood, I'm wondering if I should just give up and managing my emotions and try to work anyway. I'm hungry. Anyway, the goal here is to wake up on time, stop having to see her face in the morning, finish work on time, stop having to work overtime and sleep late, go to sleep on time to wake up early not sleep deprived. I kinda wish I was braindead. On another note, I have work to do. I'll be taking care of *those* things during the first break, in fact, I might push that forward because I'm an idiot.

Oh wait I forgot that also means becomes numb to any discomfort I'd felt before. How to do that...i feel like throwing up. im hot. my face feels like its going to fall off and my brain, i feel so dumb right now. stupid. im going to experiment today. i wonder what a single day without food does to the human body. but at the same time, i have much more important priorities, and why they aren't as simple as they should be for me, I can only say that my own stupidity ups the difficulty. i just need to work. and clean. my body feels weak right now but i feel sick thinking about how i'll manage school in the future. numbing? ignoring has never really worked for me, all it does is show the other person you dont want to talk and thats not the goal, the goal is to stop feeling anything and reacting to every single fudging interaction made with them. but ignoring is not the same as not caring. so i need. i need something to stop the feelings. stop the wants and desires. stop the irritation and get rid of the pet peeves. no more fears or discomforts to get in the way of the tasks i need to complete because of the hold they have on my brain.

why. no, how. could i stop feeling. feeling makes you human and being human makes you alive but i just don't care enough to live properly so i really think i should be removed rather than having me writhe in struggle as i try and pretend that i am as good as the rest. inferiority? how does one become numb to it all.


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