Scream Above the Sounds
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2021-09-21 03:03:55 (UTC)

Bad Habits

We have to go into university today. It's induction week and I don't really think it's mandatory but we received a message from our tutor saying that he was excited to get going with our second year and see us this Tuesday at 11am. I honestly don't know what to expect, or what time it finishes. All I know is, I'm making the same mistakes already. The same mistakes I've made for years now when it comes to important stuff, or places I need to be. I'm failing to sleep and probably am going to execute the terrible, terrible strategy of staying up all night, braving the day and just dying when I get home. I wonder if I'll ever have a normal body clock, or what that must feel like. I feel like I've been like this forever.

So yeah, still in two minds on what to do. I could attempt to sleep, sure. I just feel it's futile. My alternative was to just smash the story in FFXIV until it was time to get ready. I've been a bit lazy with it lately so I definitely need to get back on it. Maybe I'll just let Youtube autoplay a load of shit on the TV and hope that I'll drift away, but I'm really not confident. I already want today over with. I'm incredibly tempted to skip it. Like, I really don't want to go at all. I'm stressed, I'm nervous. I just know I'll probably be worse off if I don't go, and likely more confused. Why am I like this!?

Our timetable is all over the place, and that's making me more anxious. I guess everything was so easy and straight forward last year being homeschooled, and now things are slowly getting back to normal, everything is feeling a lot more jumpy and chaotic. Sometimes it's two lectures a week, sometimes three, sometimes five. I really don't like it. I enjoy routine, consistency. My mind is probably already made up to be honest, I doubt I'm going to go. I think I'll probably hold tight and just see what messages get thrown about in our social media groups. If it turns out we have lessons tomorrow then, shit I guess. I'm just not very good at this 'lets-get-to-know-each-other' icebreaker stuff. I never have been. I could always feign illness I suppose. Again, I ask...why am I like this?

I really do want to do well this year. I guess I just find the induction stuff very unimportant and I guess I'd rather be at home than anywhere else if I can be. Who knows, maybe I'll go. But I wouldn't count on it.