Set back, today
Today cam reached out in our journal. I wish I could have ignored him...but I don't have that capability when it comes to him. So I answered him.
The only good thing here is that I stuck to my guns and told him that I still don't feel that I can communicate with him...i haven't had enough distance...my perspective is not as rational as it needs to be...i need more time to let the pain of this loss run it's course. Communicating while I am hurting...is just dangerous.
He misses me. That was clear in his words. But it was his decision to let me go. No matter how much I'm hurting over that decision...it was the right one for HIM, and he needs to stick to it. If I can do anything good for him now...its to help him stand by his decision, despite what I want. Yes he misses me. He loves me and I know that. I've never...for one second doubted it. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't give him the things he wants. I can't be everything he deserves. And that makes me not enough for him. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It's the only thing that matters in this situation. How we feel about each other can't matter cause it can't make his dreams come true.
Damn it's so hard to deal with how everything about him just hurts so much now. There are times I wish I could UNlove him...but then I realize I don't mean that at all. I just wish I didn't know this pain. It's seems such an unfair consequence of something that was so beautiful.