Dr. W's Space Travels
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2021-09-20 20:53:17 (UTC)

Space Cadet Flunks Advanced Placement Friendship

Dr. Wood LXXII

Back to back entries this time. I need it. Today was generally a good day but just kind of depressing. Work was fine – even though the sales assistant that works with my primary sales rep was out today, it was a really, really smooth day. Normally when she’s out, the sales rep will come to me for a lot of crap that he’d otherwise go to her for. But I guess since he’s resigning soon, he’s not too concerned about his pending cases and such. Anyway, what made today kinda depressing was two Youtube videos and a call from a friend. I watched the anime of The Diary of Anne Frank – yeah, there’s totally an anime for it, and it’s REALLY well-done! Beautiful animation and of course a humbling account of a horrendous time in history. Then I watched a video that MrBallen did about the events of 9/11 – in the same fashion, the storytelling was immaculate (he really put his best effort into the accuracy and reverence of his retelling), but of course the subject matter was extremely grave. It really made me think about where I was during that time 20 years ago. I was in 4th grade (I had to calculate that multiple times in my head because I couldn’t remember if it was 3rd or 4th), and I remember the teacher left the room for a bit, then came back and handed everyone a memorandum telling us to ask our parents for details on something that happened that day. My little brain couldn’t comprehend what that might’ve been, so my day was normal until I got home and saw my dad, sitting in the recliner, watching what I thought was a factory explosion on the TV screen. I can’t begin to fathom that horror.

Then a friend of mine texted me asking if she could visit sometime next week. She lives nearly 10 hours away by car, but mentioned that the drive over could do her well after some rough stuff that happened with her recently. But she also kinda slipped into the conversation the fact that I hadn’t come to visit her in five years, as well as her disappointment towards that, which sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Basically, she asked if I would still be able to visit, to which I said I wanted to at some point. She called me out on it saying that I’d been saying that for years, and I called myself on it too. She then said it was okay but wondered if I just really intended to visit or not, to which I responded that I did intend to do so, but knew that my actions have not been in line with that, considering I had not followed through on those intentions. Her last comment on that matter was that a hard lesson she learned was that actions speak louder than words, and we moved on to talk about the things going on in her life recently.

It's so funny how interactions with some people can be so reminiscent of interactions with others. When I was dating Evelyn, a huge point of conflict was me saying that I planned to someday move to Hong Kong to be with her 24/7, as opposed to the current situation at the time where we were spending physical time together in our odd visits throughout the year (more so her coming to see me since I was working full-time). Yet, I pushed things off for too long, and it frustrated her that I wasn’t really doing anything towards that end state. I think I’ve talked about this in previous entries so I won’t gab on too much more about that specific situation. But if I can just take some time, in my super cozy just-for-me diary, to not be empathetic and to care only about myself… I’d just like to say that I really struggle with the aspect of neediness in relationships. Mainly talking about friendships here – in romantic relationships, I can kind of understand it, but that’s one reason why I don’t wanna be in one anymore. In a setting unrelated to business, I really don’t care much for people relying on me. And the inverse is true (or is it the converse? This reminds me of proofs from geometry class, good grief): I don’t like relying on other people. I hate owing people things and despise the feeling like I’m indebted to someone for something they did for me. The worst is when it’s something that I didn’t ask for, and yet there’s the expectation that I still do something in return, even if it’s a highly implicit notion. When friendship turns into responsibility, I start to feel annoyed. There’s more to why I feel a sense of “responsibility” in this particular friendship but I don’t feel like talking about it right now. I’m kind of over it at the moment, to be honest. And I know the idea that I can’t be bothered to visit over the span of five years is kinda ridiculous, and it might seem like I’m being unreasonable, or just a flat-out bad friend. Well, I really never thought of myself as a good friend. I think I’m kind and friendly, but I kinda suck as a friend. Sometimes I feel like I live in a world of people whom I make acquaintance with, and then stick them all in a compartment that sits outside of my personal bubble. Okay I realize I’m starting to blow the situation out of proportion a bit so I’ll stop there.

Today was a good day, though – honest! I’ve been watching a bit more of DashieGames lately. When it comes to brightening my day, very few can contend with the legendary Dashie (Game Grumps is really the only other entity that can do so). Dashie is one of those rare people that can do a schtick a million times and it still be funny and/or endearing. While he normally streams games, he did this one video where he spends ten minutes critiquing the fudge out of this one commercial he came across… and it was the greatest bits of comedy I’d seen in a long time (the title is “REACTING TO TV COMMERICIALS #!” – absolute GOLD!) Dashie feels like an old friend. How funny that I consecrate that kind of friendship, even though the other person doesn’t even know who I am. What can I say, though? I’m unversed in friendship, and I don’t really care enough to be better at it. But anyway, I’m reverting back to the depressing stuff… say, I started a new visual novel today! It’s called Love Ribbon… and it’s a story about two girls who fall in love with each other. Oh, but they’re sisters. Like, blood sisters. But they apparently never met prior to the setting of the story. So it’s a really peculiar encounter. I generally kinda like to challenge myself to explore otherwise taboo subject matters, so this kind of VN fit that sort of trifle. I’m not particularly crazy over the idea of incest, and the thought of me partaking in that is revolting to say the least. But when it comes to watching/reading a story about two very attractive anime girls who fall in love with each… well, the fact that they’re related doesn’t get in the way of my enjoyment. They're not related to me, after all! And so far it's quite good! So that’s that. Anyway, I think I’m gonna go play it in about an hour or so, followed by some Yunna and the Haunted Hot Springs ice cream.

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