miss mess

midlife implosions
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2021-09-20 12:53:37 (UTC)

Seasons

I am loving the cooler days, the earlier sunsets and the way the shadows fall this time of year. I have always been a fall/winter lover. Something about crisp air, curtains blowing in open window breezes, things baking in the oven, candles lit thru out the house, gloomy days, rainy days. These things move me to calmer places inside the way that the blaring heat and light of summer don’t do. Gloomy days and rain are my favorites.

In the next few days, it’s officially fall. Another change of season, where our outside world shifts. They come and go so fast. Seasons of life move slower…make more lasting impressions “inside” us, shifting the person that we are. While leaves fall…and then rain falls outside, INSIDE…a season can be like an earthquake, or a tornado, or a sweet get away to your favorite place. Inner seasons can shift our foundation.

I think I’m a complicated person. Wait…let me rephrase that: I’ve been TOLD that I am, so I’ve come to believe it. My inability to ever be completely content, never feeling happiness for more than precious fleeting moments, always feeling like somethings missing. These things are constant in me. For years I just thought something was truly wrong with me. But I understand now that broken…isn’t the same as wrong. All these things I feel have been my soul always trying to tell me something. But I’ve never been good at listening to my inner self cry out…the teaching I had was completely against that.

The mind, breath, body connection has slowly taught me the importance of listening to myself. That voice I’ve ignored and pushed away all my life, is the voice of the person I am now trying to discover. I have to be willing to hear her, if I am going to become her.

It’s MY season, I think. I’ve been thru all kinds of other seasons with different degrees of elements. Marriage is it’s own season, full of every element there is, and when marriage is on the rocks…it’s elements are harsh and take their toll on you.

Motherhood is a never ending season, but for the most part…I’m in the calmer season of it, where the storms that hit in their lives are now for them to muster thru and grow from.

Cam was a season with elements unlike anything else, rocking me to my very core…like an earthquake that never stopped shaking intending to break me wide open.

My marriage still exists at this point, I will be a mother until I don’t walk this earth, and I will carry love for cam until my last breath…but none of those things…have been the answer to ignored cries that come from within me. And those cries are getting louder…wanting more desperately to be heard. Urging me to take a season for myself, before I try to walk thru any others.

I hate the guilty and selfish feelings I get when I want to do something for me…put myself first. I’ve worked around so many other peoples needs and schedules for so long, and that didn’t leave much time to consider myself. But since covid…so for almost 14 months now…the inner urging to take care of myself, have gotten stronger and louder. The physical journey this last year began as recovery, but gave me so much more…and I feel like the journey to the rest of my authentic self is just literally at my feet, all lit up in neon letters that say START HERE. The self discovery journal is a major key. I just need to address this more wholeheartedly…and stop worrying if someone’s upset with me for being closed up in my room to work in my self discovery journal. I need to stop comforting their fears about me changing in any way…because comforting them about THIS just continues to stunt my own growth. I need to claim my season, and be honest about it…and stop trying to hide away for it. Why do I feel selfish? Wouldn’t becoming a happier self benefit them too? They don’t want me to change, because I’m what they’ve always known. But they’ve never understood the depths of unhappiness inside me. You don’t share those kinds of things with your children.

I worked on the second self discovery exercise the last two days. This one was really hard. But the degree of difficulty that I experience is “telling me things”…that I need to see this thru…so that I can free myself from all that’s in me that comes up bubbling during the exercise.

I have to learn to be just selfish enough to claim this journey…this season. I wish I didn’t have to keep drilling it into my own head…but for now, I DO need to keep instilling it in me. I deserve it, and I mostly think that’s not true, based on choices I’ve made. It’s not tho…I DO deserve to make a season about finding myself.

Sigh…one day maybe I’ll believe that when I say it.


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