If I die today
Where to start. ok physically went on a 3 mile round tri hike up yCand moutian yesterday its was a long trip with nDea and dog we made it. The way down was the worst just becasue of going downhill hurts my knees. Yesterday was a good day very peaceful we tried a cute little diner it was great but a little spendy and nDea's order was not to his sastifaction. That was breakfast then the good stuff. oh we stopped in the local mormon owned thirft store and I dont think nDea knows my backstory but I didnt say anythig so this is connectd to the mormons that I had problems with that ganged up on me . it wasnt thier family store but so called frieends from thier church maybe thier connection wasnt tight thou who knows. Anyhow no problems . We got in the gunshop and that was nice no ammo for what I need thou I think I'm in a pinch finding my ammo anyhow then we priced the pawn shops it is around the same price range for new handguns as thee local used so least we have ideas. it was really peaceful. Anyhow I took some pampin in adavnce and lubed up exspecting sex in the evening and well I wasnt in pain internally so that was helpful it was really not intence sex thou. Sex today was easy and qucik I woke up from my nap in half time so we had 15min. Anyhow minimial internal pain for me seemed to be postional. My diet is kinda flyin by the seat of pants since we are due for a groceery trip. no medication or naything taken today. no melation last night. my dreams thaat were split around 5 or so sinc eth dog got into the covers and licked my shoulder anyhow slept from around 10ish to a few after 8 i got up with nDea but I dreamed something about we were living with my mom and dad me n nDea and dad should have been makeing a roast but when I went upstairs it was still a cold chicken seasoned and cut in gthe fridge but he hadnt turned on the crock pot yet so I took some lays sourcream and onion chips from thebag and filled my tubesocks up and had them in my socks for me and nDea he didnt eat them in my dream I had 2sons and they seemed forgein asain chinese? anyhow I was thanking nDea for help with the 10year old taking about how he is so good with kids and thats perfect for me how he is. the other was younger than 10 but the 10year old was giving me the problem and he was helping the 10yr.
Ok thats the dream. I have some sore hips and otherwise nowthing too new physically.
so heres the shocker disturbing I dont know where I stand. I'm lost now. nDea had presents at his daughters and plus well his daughter andher mother had birthdays clustered in this week. so anyhow I figured I could stay and workout or whatever when he went but I thought dam if he ask me to go I should right and if its for his brithday. Well low and behold after his shower he said you can come if you want. so I pushed it and asked him is this for your birthday and do u want me come? Well anyhow we went and I spent the whole visit with his grandaughter that narually happened so hey thank God but C said hi and tried to initiate small talk with me asked how I like the trailer and pointed out some of bear's b bad habbits and told me about how her son in law puts beer caps in her birdfeeder just to aannoy her. Anyhow I missed most of the adult stuff exsept when I heard in passing since I was playing with the 4year old but I did hear her saying she thought she was in remiision but isnt and the trip isnt until march that shes planning for that I think was what nDea's money is for. I did when we first got in see her giving nDea a hard tiem and seeming unsastified with him brining her books or whatever it was that she left behind. A few red flags but am I too have compassion. Should I let my gaurd down. She's a sick old lady smokin a few packs a week. I dont know. I'm soo lost what is right. Whats best for nDea? It does seem she takes adavatge of him and I heard her daughters frustration about C lieing to her doctors and smoking more than she and her daughter agreed too . I dont know. but cerintly I dont want to harm her or have her suffer sickness and diease and someone much love her right? she has some purpose right? but i dont know how much to trust or how or if to befriend. Also here's the thing am I going to be representing the LORD to her? letss say this illness is bad she may be heading somewhere sooner than we know. People die all the time. What is in her best interest nDea's and how much of myself do I sacrifce and what about nDea's family shold they suffer her wrath or vengence if I cause a disturbance to her will (not her death will but her desires I mean). I dont wanna be a b!tch or hurt anyone. Her soul shouldnt have to suffer bc of me. What to doeverything specuatltion in my mind. I dont know who or what she really is and I'm scared to know. Do I chance it and just say allright we're "friends" and play long and possibly get burned or do I carry this burden and draw in my love and his family in the middle. Honestly right nowthis old woman is innoncent directly to me other than the way I see her treat/text and call talk to my love. this is so not healthy also I gotta say I am sorry and maybe she needs that healing I did push her out of her home and her world and I've been harsh . Guess its time for a change and needs to be soon. Anyhow I have no idea what I want to do with the ATTY bill I almost want to pay it but I think ill wait till thurs and see if they call me and help me understand. Anyhow in an akward place right now mentally tryin to sort thur what I want desire and need and whats important