srry for more negativity, ive got a lot on my mind and i decidedly do Not have a therapist
September 18, 2021 Saturday 12:18 PM
Alright, folks, we're off to another rocky start this morning—with a clean 5 hours of sleep prior to a sudden awakening at 6 AM, followed then by an emptying of the bladder that took like 5 minutes (I guess I clench even in my sleep and it was so so hard to relax and this is why my pap smear was a little painful, isn't it?), followed then by an inability to get back to sleep, followed by some peculiar pain in my abdomen and side (the same stomach pain I've been feeling for awhile, though; and it didn't hurt so much as feel sharp), followed by going back to sleep an hour later (success! finally), followed by waking up groggy and greasy at 11 AM or so~ (mom yelling that if I didn't get up, the coffee would run out—invoking my primal need to drink that beautiful bitter brown stuff), followed immediately by a stressful text conversation with my sister!!
It's, uh. Hah! I've been awake for not-very-long and my stomach and chest already hurt and I've teared up once. Which, I think, is a very cool way to start off the day!
Yesterday was ok. I mostly just distracted myself. Tried to watch another episode of NGE, but then got sad and bored and read a 30-chapter 70-something thousand word Klance fanfiction instead. It was pretty good, though. It took me hours, but that makes sense, because that's like.... book-length.
I've decided that the best fanfictions are, at minimum, 10,000 words. Probably more for Keith/Lance because their "relationship" needs more work since canonically they're, like, great allies but not exactly best friends? As a fan of the best friends to lover trope, I find this mildly disappointing.
Anyway. 10,000 word minimum to allow room for character and relationship development. Some fics can get around this by pretty efficiently expositing a change in the relationship that we did not see in the show—therefore not taking up as much space in the actual bulk of the narrative. That can easily be a bad move, though, because if it's too vague or it fails to be supported by the following behavior of the characters (some people, in Klance, for example, will be all like "they argue but they're best friends," and then they'll only write about them arguing, LMAO), then it doesn't actually do what it's supposed to do.
So I prefer the long ones. The short ones are too much escalation too quickly anyways.
So. That's what I did yesterday. Nothing productive, really. Just having stupid thoughts about stupid things.
I was going to masturbate before bed—I've been doing that a ton this week. Idk what's up with my headspace, but it feels like I'm not even horny. My body is—I even had a couple wet dreams last week—but I, myself, don't really feel that into it, if that makes sense? I think there are times where I'm more willing to go along with it. It will always feel, to a degree, like I'm doing an experiment, but this week I was just like "Ugh, fine. Let's do it." Almost to the point where I want to force myself to masturbate to just—get it out of my system.
I'm menstruating (on the tail end), so that's probably why. Also, I learned recently that, on an extremely limited study (only 1 person as the subject so—you know. Not reliable), during menstruation, high progesterone levels correlate with increased sizes in the hippocampal region of the brain, I think. So I was wondering if maybe that's why I keep having flash memories? Or idk. Maybe I've just always had an inordinately swollen limbic region. Assuming that's where the hippocampus is, I don't remember. But certainly my amygdala is FAT.
I went to bed instead of punishing myself with joyless masturbation, because my cat was curled up in his spot and I didn't want to disturb him. For the best, tbh, cuz I slept well up until I didn't. And I don't remember having any particularly bad dreams.
Oh. Except I did. Ah, fuck, I forgot.
Sandwich was in it and he was waiting to take me to see a play. A Streetcar Named Desire. I have literally never once seen that play. I don't even like plays. But we were supposed to go, but I kept taking too long because my shoes were missing, and he left me.
Which led to a lot of crying and yelling and I was abandoned far away from home (I've been infiltrated by the story of that 22 year old whose boyfriend "abandoned" —read: murdered?—her in Wyoming).
Which is thematically congruent with my previous dreams of being left behind, and always because I'm taking too long. Wonder what that could be about. Stupid brain, making up unsubtle narratives. As if I need a reminder that I am anxious about these very specific ideas of being left behind and taking too long.
Ah, well. My sister was in there somewhere too. She texted me this morning immediately about China.
Haha! The conversation was super weird!
Her: When do you leave?
Me: hard to explain
I'm going grocery shopping later
Mom wants to know what you're doing
Her: So you haven't bought your ticket yet?
Dang I'm not in town today otherwise I'd go
Me: Nope, haven't bought a ticket
Ok well dw I'll go again in a few days, I usually go a couple times a week
Her: Did you not get into the program?
Me: No, that's not it
I'm trying to figure it out right now so I don't reallywant to talk about it
which I know u don't like when I say that but :/ I feel like talking about it but not being able to do anything will just stress me out more
Her: Thats fine. Im just guessing your visa was rejected
Guess you're sketchy
Me: It wasn't rejected! God, it hasn't even been submitted
Please doooont be rude about it, I am seriously stressed
Her: Lol i was joking, well good luck!! let me know if you need help with anything ??
Me: Okay. I feel like things are weird so I can't tell when you're joking anymore :(
I will let you know, but unfortunately I think most of it I'm just gonna have to run around to figure out.
Although I might look for a temp job soon
I really hate not having anything to do
Aaaaand she hasn't replied :D
Her ex, Josh (I literally always forget what I named him in here—Jo? Jeff? I don't fucking know), texted me asking when I was going to China as well.
Haha! I don't know! And it's killing me! Hahaha! I didn't reply to him because I figured they were in the same place. Given how they both asked the same question at the same time.
At "breakfast," I accidentally told my mom how weird my relationship with Caroline (my sister) has been. I also let slip that we got in a sort of fight back in May/June (idk which) and I cried in that bathroom. It's not fair to Caroline to be so brief about it with my mom, because I think it paints Caroline as the weird one when I'm not even sure that's the case.
Which is why I panicked a little when my mom said, "I'm going to tell her," and I begged her not to. Like—if she told Caroline how I was feeling about our relationship, then that'd really hurt Caroline. Plus, it'd just emphasize the fact that we don't know how to talk to each other and communicate... It would just make things worse.
Mom promised me she wouldn't as long as I did. Because she didn't want her daughters to have that kind of relationship. Makes sense.
So that's why I tried to be honest in my texts today. I really don't get her jokes and instead of being funny or teasing, they come across to me as biting. And kind of bitter that I won't connect with her.
And I think this is weirdly a delayed result of a lot of things. Like, secretly, I've been harboring resentment for her because of how unreliable she was while I was depressed. I remember in a very terrible moment in August 2019, I was considering taking a semester off because I felt so bad, and I was texting Caroline about it. She basically told me to suck it up and stick it out... I felt so upset about that. I think I wanted— support? And instead I got some freaking advice to just, like. Squash down my feelings and move forward.
Which, you know. I did. And it "worked out" because it got bad enough that I was recommended to a psychiatrist. But I still dropped two courses that year and had to drop my second major because of that. I don't regret it or not regret it, because it happened so whatever. It probably would've sucked to stay another semester/year at Brown anyways...
Still. Sometimes I wonder what it would've been like if I hadn't been fighting off my instincts the whole time. Not that that's on Caroline. She wasn't the only one who advised against me taking time off. My psychiatrist also did that, but I don't trust her, to be honest. I trust her to medicate me, don't get me wrong, but I don't think she knows me or knows what's best for me. Still, I didn't take the semester off. I think I also talked to my parents. It was a whole thing, and this isn't even the point.
It's more that I didn't get support from her. And that in general, it's hard to reach her. I know I tried a couple times to tell her how I was feeling, and it didn't work. Maybe it wasn't fair. Maybe she was overwhelmed herself. I wouldn't know—we didn't talk that much and when we did, I made it about myself.
Plus, I am still upset about the Stephanie thing from four years ago.
I'm not innocent in all this. I don't know if I've been the greatest sister. I've been snappy and I've lashed out and I've been selfish, too.
Things just feel—weird. Months ago, Nadiya told me to talk about it with Caroline, and I said, "Haha, no!!!" But maybe it's time. I cry too easily, I don't want to cry. I feel kind of sick any time I cry with Caroline. In a way that I don't feel sick if I cry in front of my parents, weirdly. But yeah—if I cry in front of Caroline, even if it's just for a movie, I'm kind of humiliated a bit, lmao.
What's that about?
Okay—I am going to. Try and do other things! I think I'm okay. See y'all later.
Oh, also, I called a couple therapists yesterday and left messages.