i hate dreaming
i drempt last nite that i'd checked into our journal, and there was a new entry, simply titled "camilla" (my name). that is the only part i can remember, just seeing the entries and noticing that new one at the top, after these days of no communicating at all. it was vivid...and so of course when i woke up, i had to check.
its common during our separations over the years, that i dream of him trying to reach out to me, and my not knowing it, thus leaving him hanging. i figure it's just my wishful thinking...that he misses me so much, that he can't stay away, even tho we've agreed to do so.
for years, i've had the app for our journal on my phone. him too. we called it, "keeping each other in our back pockets", because at any given moment, we could be with each other, by simply opening the journal and leaving a few words or a picture for each other. this was often done on bathroom trips or quiet moments we'd catch in our separate lives. we were ALWAYS connected. but...four days ago, i deleted the app from my phone so that i wouldn't be tempted to constantly check it, and be disappointed over and over when there was nothing from him, because he's doing as i asked. he's being the strength that i can't be. if he writes, i cannot ignore him. if he doesn't...i stay quiet and keep my distance. so, i ask him to not write, because only that way, can i stick to it too. anyway...after this dream, i felt compelled to reload the app, and check to see if the dream meant anything. and of course...there was nothing from him. just like i asked. so disappointing, and yet exactly as it should be.
i hate dreaming. because i have to wake up, to a different reality. but my mind never stops when it comes to him....even in whatever small bits of sleep i manage to claim. the wake up realities are harsh, but also neccessary to this process, i know. damn it.
today is friday, and fridays are my biggest test. always have been. it used to be that we'd drink together in our crowd of friends on friday nites and then i'd manage sneaking out of the house for us to be together. and if that couldn't be managed, we'd end up in long conversations via messenger. fridays were a safe bet of being "live" somehow, and we took full advantage, even tho i was risking everything. so now...not being able to reach out to him on a friday...is going to be hell. he won't be in our crowd of friends tonite...because i've asked him not to be. but my husband and i will still go to our normal place for music, dancing and drinking. something we (my husband and i)were doing long before cam existed and during cam's existance. it's the only thing time we get out of the house together to let go and enjoy anything. we dance well together, and are very loved at this place by so many after years of being "regulars". it's a comfortable place for us. as long as cam isn't there. in the years that cam and i have been an "us"....and he'd be there with us at our table, with all our friends, i'd be on fire all nite. to put it bluntly, just being in his presence turns me into a 5'4", 125 pound, vibrating internally, erogenous zone....all jittery, on edge, completely erotically charged.
going thru this....i had to ask him last week...to please not be there for a while. so, now i know that i can relax and enjoy the evening with friends, and allow myself to let down with some wine. but then....at the end of the nite, when we return home...that will be my challenge. it's when my husband falls into his deep alcohol induced sleep, that i know what i'm capable of getting away with. i've always been so weak for cam....and he's always liked it. but in this situation, being weak for someone, is like throwing yourself at them, while they hold up a shield that harshly bounces you back to a place of standing alone. i know i can't stop loving him, but i sure as hell want to stop being weak for him. i guess people would tell me..."don't drink then". cause then i would have my wits about me, enough to NOT act on the weak moments. but this friday nite thing i do with my husband is so regular, that my not wanting to do it, would also be noticable, and take my husbands nite out away as well. i know what i need to do...and that's just control the wine, even tho, when your life is upside down and your hurting at every turn, the only thing you want when a glass of wine is placed in front of you, is for them to keep coming, so that you can stop feeling. in my case tho....my feelings intensify where cam is concerned. there is NO ESCAPE from my feelings for him. not in sleep and not in wine.
and because my cam KNOWS me, i know that he too....is waiting to see what i will do tonite when i get home. i know that part of him wants me to reach out, because i know he misses me too. but also...a part of him, wants me to be strong, so that i can feel better and be able to communicate with him without pain. either way....i know he will be awake tonite after midnite, waiting to see if i reach out to him in messenger. i seriously hope that he ends up waiting for nothing, so that i don't look like a bigger fool than i already feel for not dealing well with all this.
these thoughts make me hate myself. i'm struggling so much with my dislike of myself already. but to feel reduced to that of a young girl who can't manage her own feelings (and actions)....is humuliating. and it ticks me off...at myself. he's always had this affect on me, and there have been times that i've loved it, for how it brought me completely out of my closed up self to be adventurous and daring and open and fun. but now...in light of this break up....i just hate this affect that he STILL has on me....to reduce to me someone much younger than my old age of knowing WAY BETTER.
god, i hate the mess i am.