apt w psychiatrist (not much to say tbh)
"I Hate Everything" by Greet Death [reminds me of Sun Kil Moon, somehow. But less annoying? idk why Sun Kil Moon annoys me so much lmao]
September 17, 2021 Friday 12:55 PM
Got out of my meeting with my psychiatrist. I could feel the moment I mentally checked out and she could definitely tell as well. Because I said the wrong thing. She asked if we should have a follow-up in a couple weeks and I said something very weird, like, "Yeah, I am actually—I'm very fine." and she said, ".... Okay, well I think it'd be a good idea to have an appointment just to see if we're on the right track."
I have no idea what I even meant when I said that. It wasn't that I was turning down a follow-up. I guess it was more like—I'm sorry, this was a mistake, I don't actually need anything from you, please forget about this.
I also can pinpoint the trigger to my slippage. I could already feel myself getting antsy, wanting to leave, when she suggested seeing a therapist and stuff. The idea is just terrible, not gonna lie. I am supposed to call the guy today, but all I can think about is how it took me months to open up to Lancelot back when I was seeing him (and now it's been a year since my last appointment, wow). I remember there was a breaking point, where I think I must've gotten visibly frustrated/angry and he finally seemed to understand something about me.
It's just that it's exhausting to hear the same things over and over again. So I end up saying, "I know. I know. Yes, I know."
Good advice is, apparently, saying things you already know in a different way. Or perhaps just validating the scariest truths in you.
It doesn't feel very good or useful to me, though. It feels like patronization.
When people tell me, I don't know—that my anxiety could be coming from here or there. Or if my psychiatrist tells me it's perfectly natural to feel off-kilter and weird after graduating college and being stuck in Covid Limbo and that all I need is something to do. "People like to pathologize their anxieties..." I know. Uh-huh. I know. I know I'm sometimes part of that group of people. I know I'm probably freaking out over something because I don't want to do the hard work of actually confronting and dealing with it, I want someone to fix it for me, I want someone to give me an off-white pill that'll put me that elephant memory of mine to sleep.
I guess my question is—is it normal for my anxiety to plague me the way it does? Not that I have the guts to ask that question. If the answer is "yes" then I don't know what I'd do. Feel some kind of shame. Wait for someone to tell me it's my fault and I've made it worse. Deal with it. Go through it. I'm not allowed to give up, so I guess I'd have to figure out how to co-exist without ruining the things around me.
If the answer is "no," then it's just as bad. Then what? Go to therapy?
Better to keep quiet and try to deal with it myself. That's childish of me.
Therapy isn't a terrible idea. It might not work, but it also might be nice to have someone to unload on. I haven't really talked to anyone about this stuff in a while. Not even my friends, because I've been trying to practice "withholding." I really improved after that whole thing with my sister. Guess it just took an external validation of my fears to kick my ass into gear.
But being extreme as I am, it's hard for me to walk the line between self-improvement and self-punishment (is there a line? are they adjacent?). I want to shut myself off and down like a kid throwing a tantrum, until someone tells me it's not true that I've been a burden and it's not true that I've been selfish.
Maybe I just want to be lied to. Which is why I hate when psychiatrists and therapists and so on, tell me the things I already know about myself. I can imagine this new therapist trying to, I dunno, give me CBT or something, chant until I change my thoughts. Can imagine them making me fill out questionnaires. I'll relay simple thoughts and they'll give simple answers: "It's great that you're trying not to be selfish, but you can't do that at the cost of your own well-being. Part of being human is opening up to the ones you love."
Some bullshit like that. Excuse me, sir, but I already have a miniature version of you speaking like an unholy god into the empty pitch dark of my head, saying the same things you said but with 40% more bitterness.
This is—I just can't figure out, in my head, how to make therapy work for me. I already think too much and it gets me into bad corners. Lancelot, I think eventually, got the feeling he was indulging my ruminations too much and started to put a stop to those moments where I began to glaze over a bit. I felt betrayed, which was surprising to me. I wanted him to indulge me. I wanted to get worse. I wanted him to let me yell in his office instead of him letting me out early and writing in the reports that I'd sometimes get hostile or something (did I imagine that he did that? I swear he wrote a prep letter to my psychiatrist, but I can't find it for the life of me).
When he tried to help, I felt angry. Sometimes his words would sink in a while later, despite my violent immune reaction to them. Me, pulsing around the infiltrating thought, swollen with blood like the site of an infection. Remembering with shame the way my instincts flared up. I'd decide to do something about it without telling him. Hoping I could get better and never have to credit anyone for the change.
I dunno. It's typical for me to say, but I feel fine. Everything sort of sucks in the sense that I can't seem to do anything—but I really am okay. It seems like my nightmares have eased up and my hands don't hurt today and I had enough "energy" (really, I just felt sort of restless) to make dinner yesterday.
It's environmental, not chemical. There's nothing to do but deal with it. Still, she told me to call the therapist, so—guess I'll do that, haha.
Oh, also—I watched the first episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion's original dub. It's pretty funny, haha! Shinji's screams. Also just his interactions with Misato.
The tones are wildly different. Like, in the original dub, some of the voice acting of side characters is not good, but I like Shinji's spicy personality. In the Netflix dub, Shinji's character is a lot more subdued and sort of empty. I feel like it supports to theme, but it is a very different vibe. I like both versions so far!!!
More about NGE again soon because I've gone crazy and all I want to do is watch sad shit.
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