Scream Above the Sounds
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2021-09-17 15:25:42 (UTC)

A Tortured Mind

Having a bit of a weird one today. Having thoughts that I know aren't true, but at the same time can't stop thinking about them. Self improvement is always a good thing, but maybe sometimes I feel I'm looking for reasons and answers that aren't exist, or maybe I'm blaming the wrong thing, which is mainly me in this instance. I guess I've been thinking about the relationship with M and the breakdown and I guess my mind has been playing tricks on me that maybe it was my fault, when I know deep down it wasn't. She told me a thousand times, and it was never a question of her not loving me anymore. I think everything was just becoming too much, and it made sense for both of us to stop it because it was just doing more harm than good. But I still feel like I could have been a better person? I don't really know how to explain it. Maybe I should have been more determined to fix things. It's all hindsight I guess. I don't know. I guess I just can't help but feel like I'm a shit person. I always end up feeling like this when bad things happen, even though I know sometimes things are out of our control. Sometimes I feel like I just gaslight myself hard.

I tried to take my mind off it with a run. I'm super determined to get fitter now, more determined than I ever have been. I've spoken to Aaron about bodyweight stuff and he said he's free this weekend so I think he's gonna knock up a spreadsheet and we'll go again, just like 2018-2019, only this time I'll make sure we both stick to it and the next time me and him see each other will be like the scene with Schwarzenegger and Weathers in Predator, you know that really cringy 'You son of a bitch!' scene. Me and Aaron were always good at motivating one another to actually get shit done, so I think we'll do well. It's such a shame that he lives so far away. It really sucks that we never got to do anything this year too, but I'm sure I'll see him next year.

University dawning is really inviting on stress too, but some good news. I got the dates wrong. The first years start on the 21st for their induction and stuff, I don't actually go back until the 27th, so I'm at least delaying the gallows by another week. I really want to make sure I nail university. It's gonna be tough, and honestly I'm shitting myself at the thought of it, but I want to do well. I've been thinking a lot about the way I used to behave back in school and stuff; how I pretty much flunked and failed the entire of high school because I chose to focus on Counter-Strike and World of Warcraft. Oh to be young, eh? No more mistakes.