Some people are really good at talking. On the fly, I mean. They just get put on the spot and are able to ramble or make something out of nothing. I wouldn't say it's a matter of being boring or entertaining. More like, having that skill of talking in general. Similar to conversation skills. I don't have these skills though. I am able to speak the same language. Form sentences and paragraphs after thinking up good topics for a few minutes. But when it comes to speaking in person, face to face, over a call, or even for a recording, it seems that all my language abilities dissolve, no longer of use. Nerves become too much. I wonder why I am like this, genuinely. Why does my voice shake, and more than that, why does my body tremble in the face of a simple social interaction? Is there medicine to take this nervousness, this fear, away? Is there medicine to take my desire to sleep away? And my non-hunger? Is there medicine to take away my consciousness and let my body take the reins, leading me through life as I sleep. I'm tired of this. The monotony of my days is completely irrelevant. Hectic or not, it's all the same, and I am tired all the same. Whether it's over myself, my family, school, or strangers on the internet.
I know I've said it so many times that it pretty much has no meaning. But it's clear to see that I don't care enough about anything to do something about my dissatisfaction. I know I complain a lot, always worrying or whining over something trivial. And I don't really care how you, internet stranger, or you, future me, are annoyed by how repetitive it all is. I either care too much or don't care enough. But that really doesn't matter in the end because everything in my life comes down to how many assignments I've completed and grades I've passed with "flying colors." I don't even want to talk to my mom anymore because it always ends up being about school and if I completed this or that one. I want to die just thinking about it. It seems death has also lost it's meaning when coming from me. I can't even say it isn't my fault either since I am meant to be completing all this work but this shortness of breath in my chest and the constant excuses coming to mind do not cease and I-
what a boring entry. I want to go to sleep. i want to stop dealing with everything. its getting hard to breathe out here. i wish i were away. i wish I would just be spirited away to some magical world where none of this stuff exists.
i forgot to post this earlier, and its like 6am and school starts in 2 hours and i'd rather die than wake up to this crap, i hate it here and i only kepe making more reasons to hate myself