miss mess

midlife implosions
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Ezoic
2021-09-17 01:49:05 (UTC)

About #1 of 52

All of my life I have scrambled to be what others needed me to be. My childhood taught me that I was not enough "as I was", so I learned to change and bend to be what they needed. With my children...it was natural, of course. Motherhood was easy for me and only in mothering have I loved with all of my heart and held nothing back. But the men in my life? I was never enough. I had to be more than I was, and even then...relationships failed. I didn't understand that I'd actually list myself and become more and more lost...until this last 8 year bout of severe depression when I ended up in therapy. A lot became clear in therapy about HOW I'd lost myself, but finding myself has been an entirely different battle.

When I did the self discovery exercise, I mostly noticed "what I have become". It was kind of like looking into a mirror and forcing myself to NOT look away. Forcing myself to SEE me. And I don't like what I saw, which is probably why I usually avoid looking. This is nothing about looks. It's not about my surface. when I stared myself down, thru this exercise, i saw into myself with my answers.

This is hard, because when you are on a quest to like (hopefully even LOVE) yourself, but you find so much to dislike, in the very beginning of the journey...it already feels like an uphill, impossible battle. It's disheartening. Yet I have this craving to experience a happiness that I've never known. How else will I ever find that, if not within my own self? I know from experience that you can only rely on happiness thru others for so long. It has to be found within ones self. I understand that much very clearly.

And how else do I find it, if I don't brave venturing thru a "self" that I don't like? How else do I learn what's real...or what's become something I was conditioned for? How else do learn what feels good and what I want to change? How do I build a me that I mite like or love, if I don't first tear down apart the me that I've become and am not happy with? I feel like I need to see all the pieces laying around me so I can know what to pick up and keep to rebuild with, while leaving the rest behind me.

But I doubt my own strength to stick to this, because I've avoided myself for so long. It's easy to deny what we don't like, but change doesn't happen that way and I need change. I need myself, even if I'm not entirely sure what that means. I FEEL this need so strongly. Somehow I just know that finding myself will also unravel the other messes in my life, whether for better or for worse.

So these exercises (the book given to me by my therapist) feel like something I can't push aside. My therapist tells me that I should take this self discovery journey with the same focus I took hold of my physical health with after corona virus. She says I deserve to give my soul the same attention that I've given my body, so that I can have the chance of feeling as healthy inside too.

What she says resonates. But honestly, my insides have been wrecked and lost for so long, that I doubt they can be fixed. "It starts with allowing yourself to see youself", she says. And so...even tho just the first exercise made me uncomfortable, I will press on. If the only other option is to remain in this state I am in, and I know that I can't stay in this unhappy, lost place...then I HAVE to sort thru the wreckage.

It's justg so ridiculous to feel so lost at my age.


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