miss mess

midlife implosions
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2021-09-16 17:27:14 (UTC)

filling in some missing time

so, last nite while laying in bed, i decided to read back all my entries in here. i was missing cam so much, and reading our stories and history, just felt like being with him for a little bit. it was also hard, in terms of seeing in print just how beautiful we have been with and to each other, despite every single thing being against us.

but as i was doing the reading, i realized there is a big gap, between the time he came back and decided he didn't want to move on from me....and when i got corona virus, and began writing the recovery entries. so, i thought i'd try to fill in that space of 14 months, as well as 13 months since i got the virus. in total, cam and i had another 2 years and 3 months together, before this most recent break up. and it was the most beautiful span of time yet. it's crazy to say that, after reading the bits of history i've shared in here, but our final two years, was a deeper bonding, with cam staying present and with me every single day.

one of the first things i told him i needed, if we were going to get back on this ride for however long it would last again....was that he couldn't go dark on me anymore. no more long periods of silence when his depression takes him over. no more leaving me alone. if he was coming back, saying that he KNEW he wanted to spend whatever time with me that he could (until the next thing got in our way to split us), then he needed to be present for it....put himself behind his words of "wanting". i conveyed how i'd been hurt over and over and over by his silences when his dark places surrounded him. and while i understood that his "dark places" were NOT about me, the way he always reminded me.....it still BECAME about me, in how i was so LEFT each time. i told him, i couldn't do any more rounds of "us", if i was going to keep being left for his depression. knowing cam....i understand his depression, and being a person from suffers from depression on and off as well, i know FULL WELL, the desire to pull away and crawl into a shell and hide while you are pulled down into the depths of depression by tentacles stronger than anything else. i UNDERSTAND. it wasn't about not understanding him. i just told him, that if he was going to continue to need to do that pulling away, he was certainly free to do so, but that i could no longer be there, to be left...and left....and left....to wait until he felt ready to give of himself again. it was HIS choice, but i was making a choice for myself too....to not submit myself to that particular hurt anymore. with all the issues between cam and i....all the things that could always compete to come between us, split us up, end us, destroy us.....we had ENOUGH to fear. i was not willing to keep fearing when his next silent disappearance would be.

so he did something he'd never done. something neither of us has done in our relationship. he PROMISED ME, that he wouldn't go silent. cam and i were so very careful about promises. the one time we'd tried making a committment to each other, despite our separate lives, it turned into expectations that led to upsets. within a committment, there SHOULD be expectations...for sure. but in a relationship like ours....there can't be. and so...at some point, we backed up...and took that aspect back off the table, agreeing to just be what we could, however we could, for as long as we could....without promises or committments, other than....we did both always agree that neither of us would have sex with anyone else while we together. but....here he was...PROMISING ME...that he would stay present, even if it meant submitting his ugly sides when he's in dark places, to me. and because he did that...i agreed to experience more "US".

things about our last round together, were so different. we got closer....loved deeper...and he was true to his word....he never went silent on me again. there were a couple of bouts of his depression during that time, and i admit...that was hard. my beautiful cam....is different when the darkness overtakes him. it was painful to be with him thru it, but more painful to be left OUT OF IT. and each time we got thru it. his fear had been that the ulgliness he feels during his depressions would cause me to not want to be with him, and during our getting thru these phases together, he learned that my love was not going to be taken away from him...for any reason, and that he could always count on it. he openly admitted that it had been good for him to go thru those times with me, and learn that i was solid in his life, no matter what. my love was truly unconditional. i wouldn't dessert him the way so many others in his life had done, because of his depression and dark places. so...we grew even closer.

but also what was different, is that "some part of me"....remained just disconnected enough...to be able to survive the next separation whenever it would come. and with us...those things always happened, because issues in our separate lives would be risked or threatened or complicated. whatever the reasons...we'd have to split in order to not be "discovered". between those kinds of reasons that would always exist for us, because our relationship was an AFFAIR, there was also still the things that never changed. for cam...he says they changed. he says he decided that being with me was all he needed and that he didn't want to give up such a beautiful love...a kind of love that he thought he'd never have, for the POSSIBILITY of finding a woman who MITE love him as much and build a family with him. and i believed him when he said this....one thing about cam...he doesn't say anything he doesn't truly mean. his honesty is one of his best assets, even when it's brutal or painful...he won't lie to say things you want to hear. he only says the truth. BUT.....

these things...these dreams...that he was giving up, for me....never sat well with me. on the one hand, i was the kind of happy that can't be conveyed in mere words (i know because i've tried and tried), that this beautiful young man wanted me and only me. and i wanted to be everything he wanted and deserved. while i believed that no one could love him the way that i did, and the way he truly deserved to be loved....i still couldn't be everything he wanted. he may have been giving it up for me....but as i've said...those kinds of desires for family and children...they don't just die. and i couldn't live with the fact that someday, even if i'd left my husband and we could find a way to be together....he would come to resent me for taking this dream away from him. i could not bear his resenting me....i just couldn't. everything we've been thru....if i ever became something he was sorry for, i'd be broken. and so...i kept this part of me in reserve...."prepared" for his leaving...THE WAY WE'D ALWAYS PLANNED, from the very start. at some point, i really believed...that he'd see what i had to offer him, was not and would never be "enough", and he'd decide to move on. that's how it was supposed to be. and i WANTED him to have his dreams of holding beautiful little cam babies in his arms. a part of me hated myself for not being able to be the person who could give him that, but the facts are facts. i can't be that person for him. and i have to find a way to stop hating myself for that, because it doesn't help my own self journey to think less of myself for not being able to provide the greatest love of my life....his dreams.

sometimes i wonder what we've been about. why does something like this happen, when it can't be anything? i mean...we've been EVERYTHING. everything i never knew, everything i dreamed of and more. things i'd given up on believing i'd have. we've been everything. but...we also can't be anything that leads to a future. it torments me. i want him to find the girl of his dreams and have her love him so well that he'll not hurt without me at some point....yet, to give him up to someone else, feels like the cruelest thing ever.

i got a tattoo, two years ago, for cam, just after the last time we decided to steal more "us" and just before i got covid. it's on the front of my shoulder for all the world to see. all i've said about this tattoo, to my family, is that after my depression it has a meaning to me about things i've been thru. i didn't lie. cam happened because of my depression, and he's what i've been thru, and he means everything to me and i wanted that to be something i wore on the outside, because i keep so much inside. he is tattooed on my heart and soul forever, and so too is this shoulder tattoo i wear proudly. when he first saw it, in another hotel room that we'd managed to escape to, his eyes watered and he didn't say a word as his fingers glided back and forth across it. he knew that tattoo was more committment than either of us could ever truly make to each other...but there it was. an eternal outward brand of my love for him, for all to see, even if no one knew what it meant. that part didn't matter. when we'd be in crowds of people together that we knew, i'd often catch his eyes on my shoulder, lovingly. i have ALWAYS known that he wouldn't always be mine. but i've also always known that my love him will always be. during our lovemaking that afternoon, he came back to touch or kiss that tattoo many times, and has done the same everytime we've managed time together since.

anyway...i digress....

he was with me during covid and during the hellish recovery. we went a long time without seeing each other, because my recovery was not easy and i could not go anywhere alone for a long time. but he stayed with me. we journaled every day...most days, several times a day. there is no other person on this planet that knows me the way that cam knows me, and there is no other person on this planet that knows cam the way that i do. we share with each other, the good, the bad, and the ugly, because we KNOW that we have something between us that accepts all the parts of us. we've never had that with others in our lives. we are deep people, who love to dig into each others souls and understand feelings and experience a person from the core and not just the surface. we've given every drop of ourselves to each other, and corny or not, i feel like this man runs thru my veins and is part of the person that i am. even when he's gone and moved on...he will remain with me, because he's part of me.

when i was finally able to drive alone, we managed another beautiful escape together. talk about hunger. we both thought i was going to die during covid. when i was in the hospital and not coherent for days, and he didn't hear from me, he feared the worst, but could not call anyone to ask....and it killed him. and in my bouts of being coherent and being out of it....i feared that i'd never get a proper goodbye to him. i ached for the fear i knew he had to be feeling while i was unable to communicate for those few days. and so this joining....was like all of those emotions being spilled over the waterfall that had been somehow held back. like a tidal wave....spilling over us...and we swam in those emotions with the perfect harmony we've always had together...but also with tears of relief and gratitude for another chance to touch each other, be tangled in each other, be inside and wrapped around each other, breathe each other, bask in each other. all the chances we feared we'd never get again. it was beautiful and intense and one of the most memorable times together that we had in all our time together.

its funny when two people already believe that their time is limited and that they must make the most of every single second that they can...but then, something life threatening intensifies that knowledge. cam and i didn't just FEEL this intensity...we lived it in our stolen moments this past year. when people say "live as if today is your last day"....it's what cam and i did. we knew that every time we could steal to be with each other, would be the last, and it's as if we breathed each other in...memorized each other. because we never knew when each time would be the last.

that time ended up being this past march. i wish i'd known it would be the last time. or maybe i'd rather not have known....i dont' know. for reasons i still don't understand, cam would ask me in the middle of our sex...."tell me that your mine, camilla". and each time i'd confirm to him that i was his, it spurred his passion. sex would go from rough and hard, until we were sweating and shaking....to suddenly soft and gentle with him cupping my face in his hands while he moved above me, staring into my eyes. i felt "claimed"....if that makes any sense. i felt like something was happening that was different, but i didn't know what it was. afterwards, as we just layed together, he said to me..."camilla....i want you to leave him".

that was the beginning of this ending. he knew all the reasons i couldn't leave my marriage. he'd known them the whole time. there had been times i'd tried to find ways to leave, becasue i wanted to so badly. but, nothing had changed. if not for the things that kept me locked into my marriage, i would have left it long before even cam came along. so...his asking this of me, scared the shit out of me, and broke my heart all at once. i knew in THAT MOMENT, that things were coming to an end for us again.

he began to get frustrated with me, for not being available when he wanted me. that had never happened before, but from this past march in the hotel room, until the end of this past july, he remained often upset with me for my lack of availability. a deep and painful part of me realized that this was probably a good thing. it was probably what needed to happen in order for him to want to leave me and find someone who COULD be there with him when he wanted. up to then....he hadn't been willing to leave me, even when i'd given him outs and told him that he deserved more than me and what i had to offer. but....i could sense a change in him. he needed and wanted more. it was his right. he deserved it. but he just had to give me up to have it, and he loved/loves me deeply. my heart ached these past few months as i could so clearly feel the battle going on inside him.

i could have ended it myself...to free him. but with cam....if i'd left him, that's what he would have seen it as. that i'd LEFT him. i didn't want him to have that feeling about me. he needed to be the one to do the leaving...i knew that. and i'd begun preparing myself for it (even tho in the end i was not nearly as prepared as i wish i'd been).

and then something else happened that i believed changed our course as well...

his sister announced that she was pregnant with her first child. it would be the first grandchild, first niece or nephew, first BABY in his family. and it did something to him. and i used what it was doing to him....to help him find the strength to leave me. i said things to him like, "wait to hold this baby in your arms cam! you are gonna look in that little face and see parts of yourself, and it's such a beautiful thing".

at the end of this past july, cam told me that there was no future for him, in MY LIMBO. and, he said...he wanted a future. i could not argue. i would not beg. his words (and there were many many more of them) were all the right things. he was saying and wanting all the right things for himself, and in a very broken way, i was proud of him, for finally getting to that point. i'd been so lucky to have what i had with and of him, but it was truly time to give up my dream (that he'd already made come true for me), so that he could finally chase his. so we agreed, it was time to give US up.

and in the past six weeks, we've tried to keep communicating, because he asked that we continue to do so. his desire is that we remain communicating, to work our way thru the break up together, and try to find our way back to the friendship that we had before all this started. and i tried. i really did, because letting him down hurts me. but it's been too hard for me. staying "with him" everyday, is not helping me get over him. it's keeping me WITH HIM. so...thats where i find myself now, having told him that i need distance in order to get over things myself, before i can even think of trying to be friends. going to our journal to be with each other, used to be my oasis...but now it just hurts, because so much of what we'd become is no longer part of our communicating. there is all this missing stuff, and every entry feels UNFINISHED, because so much can't be said anymore. it hurts. too much to be with him and not have him.

i also think it will be better for him too....to have distance from me. we both need to get a feel for what life is like without running to each other for everything. it doesn't make sense any other way. and i understand something else differently too, this time. i feel it in my bones. all the other times we'd separate, i always felt like it was temporary, like we weren't DONE. but this time...i know that it is. and for both of our sakes, i can't keep trying to hold on to him, in ANY way. the goal is to get to a place where i can offer friendship, but i'm not sure i'll be able to do that either. while i want him to have all that he wants, i'm not sure i've got it in me, to witness it happening. selfish? i don't know.

either way...we are done, and i know it. and i'm struggling with this fact, much more than i want to be. you'd think when you've known along that this time would eventually come, that it would be easier. but that's not the case. i miss him so much. i miss every beautiful, complicated part of him. and i miss "not being his". it hurts to not be able to give him all the parts of me that i have for so long.

and all those parts of me are now swirling around inside me, with no where to go. what do you do with a love that can't be given? where do i put it? i'm so thankful for every moment that he loved me, and that i was able to love him. but the love...is not done, even if the relationship is, and that's hard.

time right? they say time heals broken hearts. i think that's a crock. i think in time you just learn to live with the pain so that it isnt' something that weighs so much every day. i've lost so much of myself my whole life...to what other people wanted me of me. but with cam...i lost myself in loving. its a different kind of lost that i have to find myself from. and i've really no choice but to figure it out and move on knowing i had what i had, but moving on from it. the love will never die. but i sure hope it becomes less painful.