Emily

Day In the Life of an American Teen
2021-09-14 16:29:12 (UTC)

Alone

I feel really good about not having Leo.

I don't know what changed in me lately but I'm actually fine. I'm doing good. The last time I was with him, I really tried. He always got mad at me for not telling him how I feel just to bring it up days later, which is a valid issue. I really tried. I did good. I told him bluntly what was bothering me, how I was feeling, why I didn't like when he did this specific thing and nicely asked him to stop.

I was nice but I had these...boundaries, yk? AND, I kept it up. It wasn't just a 'one day' type of thing. I was actually consistent.

And he STILL didn't change, didn't even TRY to understand me or what I was saying. He still stayed with the same excuse of why he treated me like shit. There's no good 'why' and he was perfectly capable of giving me the bare minimum. He just didn't want to. It feels nice to be able to leave without feeling guilty.

He didn't even treat me at the bare minimum. That wasn't even a minimum. He went out of his way and put effort into treating me like absolute dogwater.

I shouldn't have to second guess anything with anyone I love.

I still have a bad hour every now and then. That's the thing. It's a bad hour, 30 minutes, where I miss him for a little bit. I don't even miss him. Just the feeling I guess. HE lost ME, not the other way around. I wanted to love him and he couldn't take it.

The only problem is...I wouldn't have made it this far if I was alone. If I was alone, I definitely would've folded and texted him, especially after seeing his dogs.

That group of guys I play games with...Garrett stuck out. He just blocked his ex gf who treated him the same way treated Leo so we we're already bonded over that. But now I fall asleep on the phone with him. It's not the same cycle with Leo repeating, but I'm giving the same responses as soon as he gives off any bad sign.

Last night, he got really direct with his whole, "Hey, I kind of like you." thing and I almost ran. Almost ran and blocked him and everyone else in the group.

But if it wasn't for him staying up late to play games with me or even just sit in the call then I would've texted Leo by now. I love it when they let me fall asleep on the phone with them. It makes me feel safe.

Was Leo the problem? Or is my problem that I can't be alone? Am I going to crumble the same way when Garrett inevitably leaves?




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