CryingSoul

Lost for words at times
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Ezoic
2021-09-16 03:12:30 (UTC)

3am - work break

My mood at the moment is low. Maybe it's because i'm tired.
I'm still indecisive about 'him'
When all this started, l told him because of the situation he was in. Recently losing his wife of 23yrs we should remain just friends with benifits with "us" being exclusive to each other. No fuzzy feelings, no emotional attachments.
He is wild, immature although l love how niave he is, no prospects about any furture goals, apart from his bands. His parenting skills aren't exactly the best. Although l guess his wife used to take care of that. He allows kids to abuse alcohol and substances in his house. As he believes if they're gonna do it, it may aswell be in the safety of his own home! He even pays for the priviledge! He leaves his job to go take his daughter backwards and forwards to work. Nothing beats dads taxi l guess. He confesses they are bleeding his bank account dry. What he does with his kids l know is his business but it annoys me as he is always complaining about it. Yet l can't really have any input.
What l adore about him, l love how we can talk all night about everything and not get bored of each others company. His childlike mannerism, his extreme shyness, yes l know he plays in a band, but he is very shy, the way he looks at me, the way he makes me feel inside by doing absolutely nothing. Sharing our childhood memories good and bad.
What l don't get is why what happened, happened. I know he was drunk but it wasn't the first time although him shoving me and him grabbing my neck was. I should straight away kick his arse to the curb yet l can't and now i'm confused, hurt and left feeling very low about myself. Does he think because we've known each other 45 yrs and our past, it makes it ok.
If we play fought when we was kids we always kissed each other and made up. Although l will never forgive him for pinning me on the ground and him putting a slow worm in my knickers. That left an impact on me for life!
If l give up on him now, l know it will have a detrimental effect on him and l can't do that.
Fuck sake l hate my life at the moment, cos l can't continue going on like this. What am l gonna do...


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