If I die today
Last night I took 2 melation slept from about 10ish till the alarm for nDea to wake up so 520 think i woke up a little between. Thats unclear. Anyhow I remeber pieces of dreaming about asking mom to go on the retreat with her and help and mentioning I didnt go thru sex offender training they said oh that doesnt matter and then I went with her to help. Anyhow nDea's birthday went better than I thought he likes the cooler!! and we had dennys for dinner and it was a disappointing expiernce but our time togeter we just had a great visit with each other. Silly man paid for our birhtday date for him. Also he says he liked the other gifts too. We had a good night. I think maybe drinking is excerating some interanl pains I have so I'm trying to decide what to do but no plans on a drink today. This morning I think I took 2 of the 2adays by accidnet foretting that I had taken one and man it made me queezy. but I ate oatmeal and layed down it digest. planning an outside workout when nDea gets home. did 1 video this morning and light chores short walk dog is still not too well. Anyhow so the drama nDea came home this morning while I was doing chores and I startd this dam pot roast already. I'm freakin tyin I was following a recipe on back the seasoning packet it said to put the veggies and the roast then liquids and cook low for 8 hours well damiit to hell if he didnt complain the meats not cut blah blah the vegetables dont go in there oh thats a lotta meat cook it on high .SO he basicly dismanteled my whole dam dish. now he wants the veggies in at 330. I'm sick of it. Why cant he just leave me alone when i'm cooking whats to bitch about if he doesnt like it he can make his own dam food. I eat some stupid sh!t bc well god freagin forbid he eat vegetable and rice with me. Why do we have to eat the same dam thing. I get it I'm not a cook. Hell I wouldnt have choosen to cook a dam pot roast on my own. and i'm freakin geetin fat and all this crap. Tryin to make him happy. What does it matter right its just food suck it up and admit well I sccrewed that up ... again and get over and just brace myself for the next failure in life. I'm clearly not cute out to be a housewife but its what I want to be I'm soo lost in life. And even if it was some other man the deal is I really suck at everything and I guess it doesnt matter when your just you but this is all I got my job in life is to do the home and i'm tryin and it sucks. IDK what to do or why I even care right its just gonna suck and I guess I have to eat shit with him for him to be happy. I dont see anyone freakin helping me or teaching me and I was following a reciee but no no thats wrong too what am I too do. maybe I am so incompanet as an adult that in fact yes I need help I nned a freakin caregiver to do my housechores and such. I guess I can just exsist. Thats a lovely purpose in life. just really discouraged and back to realising all my failures today and wondering what does a piece of meat matter in the big picture?