miss mess

midlife implosions
Ad 2:
2021-09-15 16:16:20 (UTC)

#1 of 52

i will be posting all of these exercises (if i make it thru all of them), because it's important to me to keep track of this journey. each exercises begins with a quote that has something to do with what you will be delving into with the prompts...so here's the first exercise in full...

quote...

"if you want to change and grow, then you must know yourself and accept who you are before you can start building" (john c. maxwell)

DESCRIBE FIVE ADJECTIVES THAT DESCRIBE YOU AND EXPLAIN WHY

1. impatient...when i have something in my head that i want or want done...i do not like to wait, and actually get irritated over the having to wait. i tend to not ask for help for things, because i want them done on my timeline...which is now. i do not like to wait at appointments, and will walk out if the wait is too long, even if i have no where else to be. even health issues frustrate me, because of the lack of control to move things at a faster speed.

2. pessimistic...i tend to always see the side of "what could happen" negatively. i don't always consider this a negative trait, because alot of what i see is from experience and wanting to avoid it again. or...i just don't trust that something may come out the way i hope, so i automatically assume it will turn out bad.

3. organized...i do not like messes and clutter. i don't have to have a spotless envirornment, but i cannot function or relax in a cluttered, messy one.

4. thoughtful...to a fault. i'm a deep thinker who analyzes things to death and needs to understand all aspects of something if i'm involved in it. i will tear apart emotions with "thought" until i'm crazy. on the flip side "thoughtful" can also pertain to thinking of others, and i am always doing that...i love gifting and making people feel loved and thought about.

5. dependable...i can always be counted on for whatever my loved ones need and often times even what they "want" of me. often times i say yes...even when i want to say no, tho.


IF A GENIE JUMPED OUT OF A BOTTLE AND OFFERED YOU FIVE CHARACHTERISTICS THAT YOU DESIRE, WHAT FIVE WOULD THEY BE? AND WHY?

1. confidence...i would love to not always doubt my worthiness. i would like to believe that i make a difference. that i matter.

2. bravery...there are aspects of myself, a wilder side of me, that i hide because my family would not like to see me like that. i wish i was brave enough to just BE it, and not let their judgement keep me under wraps.

3. resilient...i would love to be able to come thru hard things, with a positive hopeful view, instead of letting the hard things close me up and make me less trusting and afraid.

4. balance...this is maybe what i'd like the most, cause it mite help the rest happen. i have never been able to balance my own needs and wants with those of the ones i love. i always give my own up and then suffer in some way for it.

5. grateful...i want to be more aware of the good things in my life. to wake up everyday, think about what is good and what works in my life, and give thanks, before i let the gloomy things hit me and change the entire course of my mood.


LOOK AT YOUR FIVE ADJECTIVES FROM THE FIRST PROMPT, AND THEN AT THE QUALITIES YOU WISHED FOR FROM THE GENIE IN THE SECOND PROMPT.


1. HOW DIFFERENT ARE THEY FROM ONE ANOTHER?

4 of the 5 adjectives are negative or methodical. i assigned these to myself, because i AM them, but when i look at the list, the only one that i really 'FEEL' in my heart is a true part of me...is thoughtful. the rest are just something i have "become", with experiences.

the 5 characteristics from the genie, are things that make me feel positive and alive...just to THINK of being. they inspire in me hope, positivity, strength, and calm. the exact opposite of 4 of the 5 things i define myself as.


2. WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE THE BARRIERS STOPPING YOU FROM ACQUIRING THE QUALITIES YOU WANT?

honestly, the only answer i have here, is that the people in my life know me the way they know me. the dependable, organizer, who plans and runs every event, all scheduling, and has always kept the family flowing. in some ways (and this is not to talk highly of myself), i am the sun and they revolve around me. but i am only their light and energy because i keep things going for them. still...i am the center of the family and i know that, and as so....i have to keep up the things they've always counted on me for. but...over the years, this has come to wear on me, and i've kept it from them, so as to not disappoint them. so that i'm always still that person/thing that they always know they can count on.

if i were to be more like i'd like to be...i'd be so much freer. it would be up to them, to keep things going, because i'd be off partying, playing, enjoying life in a way that i never got the chance to do. irresponsibly even, sometimes. i want to experience touches of freedom and wildness, but am afraid of how that would disappoint them. and it would. so...i stuff down alot of my true desires. while it hurts me to not be true to myself, it would also hurt me to disappoint them.


ARE THERE WAYS TO OVERCOME THE BARRIERS?

the ONLY way i can see getting over the barriers, is to stop caring what they think. but what kind of person does that to people they love? and therein lies the bulk of my problem. i have an understanding that i have to NOT care to some degree, if i want to be authentic. but love for my family makes it hard to NOT care. it isn't simply just "do it". i need to work on a growth pattern, that will help me be able to without it feeling like it's a choice between me or them. "MY" heart...cannot do it any other way. but there also HAS to be a way. there HAS to be, because i feel like i'm in the eye of a tornado, and when it passes, things are going to look differently, and it's up to me to present those differences, because I AM THE ONE, desiring them. its just very hard to make changes outwardly, that will be noticed by those who only know you a certain way, and don't want to see you change, because the way you are, makes THEM comfortable. i don't want to take their comfort away....i just want to still be loved by them for something i feel that i am....that has not yet been discovered fully or lived. i want to know that i will still be accepted in their eyes, when i'm not only being what "they" want and know. how they feel matters. but i'm getting to a place where how "I" feel is beginning to matter more, and fighting myself on the feelings of selfishness regarding these feelings, when i know rationally, it's not selfish of me at all. but it sure feels like it. so again, in order to overcome these barriers, i have to get to a place where my authenticity matters more than how they feel about it...whatever IT may be.


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