Jenni's Diary
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2021-09-15 06:39:18 (UTC)

Life or Love

I look at my life now and I see how good it is. I see how far I have come to reach this moment in my life where I feel at peace and am actually content with my life. I have an apartment, a good job (I still hate my job but it works out), good friends, working out more, skincare routine on point, eating healthy, getting a head start in my career, reading more books. Everything is going so well.
But what if I want more? What if I want someone to share this moment, this life with me? I knew that when one starts working on themselves, it'll be a lonely process. I feel desperate for attention and validation and love from a companion, a soulmate.
But I am scared that I will lose my independence being in a partnership. I love the way my life is right now and seeing my development and growth as a person. What if I wasn't made out for relationships? I don't know how a relationship works most of the time. I want someone who will compromise with me and work with me. I feel like if I was in a relationship, I will lose that freedom and growth I worked so hard to obtain.
But having that feeling of being with someone to fill that empty void is overbearing and overwhelming me.
I want more.
I need more.
Why is it so hard to want something so hard but don't end up ever receiving it?
Why am I never the one for someone else?
I just once want to be someone first choice.
I want someone to look at me afar and a lightbulb lights in their head and be like "that's the one"
Can I have both my independence and codependence in my life?
I feel selfish that I want someone when my life is content being by myself as it is.