miss mess

midlife implosions
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2021-09-15 01:38:32 (UTC)


The first self discovery exercise is done. It was not easy. Instructions say no second guessing the thoughts that come to your mind, stay completely honest even if it's ugly and negative...or there is no point to the process, and to expand your answers with your thoughts on the prompts. I admit...it all felt pretty negative but also sheds some light on some of my rougher building blocks. I plan to post the exercise here, but it's on my laptop and I'm writing from my tablet. So hopefully i can post it here tomorrow morning before my day gets busy.

No communication with cam today. I swear, it's like going thru withdrawls...constantly pulled to look at the journal to find words from him. It's painful to NOT go there and get my "fix". But I didn't, and now I just want the day to end so I can sleep and not be "thinking". Then again, I can't stay asleep either. Sigh.

Tomorrow is an intense yoga day...one of the few things that I look forward to. My physical person has become such a major focus for me. First it was about getting healthy and regaining strength after covid ravaged me. But now it's become "something I can control", while everything else spins. Sigh.

I am so emotionally wrecked and exhausted. What I wouldn't give to escape to a far away island alone...and just be able to focus on building my emotional and mental states to be as strong as my body. But...

Escaping...has already brought So many painful consequences that I live with. So many Sweet ones too tho.


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