My Boring Life
I'm Living Off Of Grass And The Drippings From The Ceiling
I'm tired. I haven't been able to sleep the last few nights. Just keep waking up every time I doze off. I've started taking new sleeping medicine but nothing seems to be working. I'm working on a few bottles of wine I picked up from the gas station bc I was too lazy to go all the way to town. Maybe it will help me pass out. I feel like my mind needs to rest. My mind has been working too much lately, too much thinking and silence. I just want to shut my eyes and forget my life for a while.
I'm giving up on everyone. I don't think there are many good people out there. Women are jerks. I remember when I was a child and I got hurt I could run to any woman close by and they would try to comfort me. They would ask me what happened and then try to make me feel better. They would talk to me so sweetly and try to my mind off of it by playing with me or by giving me a piece of candy they had in their purse for their own children and sometimes they would even hug me. Women I didn't even know did that and that was just the way life was. Now the women I see stare at their phones all day. The kids get fussed at for interrupting mom's phone time. The kids get hurt and cry and mom is asking what happened in a nice voice but refuse to put their phone down to comfort their own child.
When I was a kid the men around were people I could look up to. They would play hide and seek, take me and my buddy's fishing and give me pats on the back. Most men my age that I know now either play video games or have some different hobby that takes up all their spare time or are alcoholics ( like me) or are just not good role models in general. I feel bad for kids these days. I'm not saying that men and women should have certain roles but why don't people treat kids better. I don't care if you're straight or LGBTQ or white, black etc. We could all do better with the people that will eventually be running the world.
I thought my ex and I were going to have a family but I guess I'll never be a dad. It's a hard world anyway, not sure if it's wise to bring new people into the world. It sucks. Everyone I know is struggling. Even if I will say life is beautiful and I don't take it for granted, sometimes i wish dad had pulled out.
It's obvious when I get drunk bc I just go on and on about shit no one really gives a fuck about.
Oh there is Pinky. The one decent person I know. Well, I haven't known her long enough to know for sure. It seems like most people are great when u first meet them. Then some time will pass and you start to see the real person. Like she's nice but is she a ball busting bitch behind closed doors. The guy you just met is sooo funny but he's terrible with money and will probably never own anything. I mean I know people aren't meant the be perfect but it's like they don't even try to be good partners. And most people are so used to dealing with toxicity from their own families that they don't know what love is supposed to be like. Like people aren't hugged a lot as children so they become adults that also don't hug much. They don't need or want all that bc it's not something they are used to. They always seem to pick partners that want to be affectionate with them and then that poor soul ends up feeling unloved.
I wonder what Pinky wants in a partner. I wonder if she would ever give a guy like me a chance.
I want to back her up against the wall and then cup her face in my hands and kiss her like she's never been kissed. I want to hike up her dress and push her against the wall and give her a fucking she'll never forget. I want to hear her moaning and begging for more. What would it take??? I'd do anything.