breathing under water
its been a rough few days.
i have begun the first exercise in the self discovery book. its a little more intense than i expected, but if the goal is to "face" things, then i know i need to press thru. i get alot of interuptions, so i will have to get back to it when i can.
cam keeps writing in our journal, even tho i've asked him for space. it's a sad thing to admit how weak i am, but it's always been the case with him. the thing is....i could very well keep my own ass out of the journal to NOT SEE that he's writing, but do i do it? sigh. the answer is no. if he doesn't write, i stay strong, and i don't write either. but if he writes, i can't bring myself to ignore him. today, i asked him again, to please stop writing. it's a sad thing again, to need him to stay away in order for me to be able to, but otherwise, it's like being bated, and i can't resist. that's always been the way with him...i can't resist him. even when we've agreed to resist each other...why do we not do it? the rediculous thing is i'm too damn old for this kind of thing, but with him....i've never felt my age. he's always managed to make me feel alive and young. it's hard to ignore your heart, even when you know you should. and he's my heart. and he's a hard habit to break. (we've tried many times in our years together). i've never understood what he even saw in me. there is 20 years difference between us...me being older. i've been married, raised my children, and he's done neither of those things. he's a beautiful younger black man, and i'm an older white woman. i've always thought that he could have anyone, but it's me he's chosen these past few years. of course, we didn't expect an affair to turn into love, and that changed things...complicated things.
things at home are the same as always...my husband and i mostly avoid each other. we don't do it cause we dislike each other. we are actually pretty good friends. there is just no "couple-hood" between us. but...since his retirement a year ago, neither of us has gotten used to being in each others faces 24/7, and i've learned that i'm just not meant to be connected at the hip with ANYONE. i need space. i always have. so....we spend alot of time in separate rooms, but we are okay when we are together too. it's so....weird. and i'm just not in a good enough place mentally and emotionally to begin to figure out how to change things, or if i even want to. i feel like this marriage has been the mess that it is for so many years now, that what's a little more time, while i try to figure my own self out finally? and if i can figure out who i am, and what i want, then maybe i'll know what to do. it's like living in limbo....my life is a limbo.
i don't sleep. i've got to figure out how to remedy that, because i'm exhausted all the time. i practice yoga on a daily basis. not easy yoga....i've progressed to power yoga and the lovely flows of vinyasa. the intenseness of this practice is something that works my body and makes me feel strong and healthy. during yoga practice is the only time i feel any measure of peace. the practice of mind, body and breath, takes me outside of the issues in my head. i wish i could find a way to carry that peace with me, after the practice, but thus far....once i'm away from my yoga matt...all the stress and unease returns. but the sleep thing...i've got to figure it out. i've tried melatonin, over the counter sleep aids, and now i'm trying herbs. no change up til now with any of it. my fit bit tells me that i am awake more during the nites than i am sleeping. i'm sure it's due to all the things in my head that are far from resolved. my mind doesn't rest even when my body does. so maybe the sleep issues won't resolve until something else does. ANYTHING else.
in any case, i keep plugging along. i wear my mask on a daily basis...the one that says "i'm okay", and i function in the ways that are necessary to prove that, but inside and behind that mask....i feel like such a damn mess. depression is such a dangerous thing....and it was depression that led to things that have led me to this moment. now i fight on a daily basis not to slide into ANOTHER depression, even tho there is nothing easy in my life. i can't sink into that darkness again...i barely survived it last time. so....i just keep kicking my legs to keep myself above the surface of the water, when truly i feel like i'm trying to breathe while under the water.
but onward. one day at a time. i want so badly to believe that there is something ahead of me on this journey, that will make these hard places worth the struggle.