Scream Above the Sounds
2021-09-13 04:04:30 (UTC)

The Luckiest

I'm still not sure if I'm the best headspace to really be writing about this yet, but it's 4:05am and I don't see me getting sleep anytime soon, so here goes I guess. I'm not in a relationship with M anymore. Things were difficult, they got bad, then worse, then a bit better, then bad again. I don't think we ever stopped loving each other or anything like that, it was just hard, and maybe I was out of my depth with the long distance relationship stuff. Maybe I could or should have done more. I think I let covid become too much of a big deal. I got scared about the future, plans that we talked about etc. I think I pushed her away, at least I felt I did.

I don't know if I'll ever talk to her again, and that really does cut incredibly deep. She was so incredibly important to me, and maybe I didn't tell her that enough. But it wouldn't have been right for her to stay. We kind of mutually agreed to end it because things just weren't the same between us anymore. I guess maybe we both stopped trying a little bit, and real life got in the way. I considered our relationship real, even though we never met. We would spend hours talking, we used to watch films and TV shows together, we did everything we could, up until the point where we'd finally meet. It just never happened, and it sucks so bad that we never got to see each other in person. I've been thinking about her a lot lately. She decided it would be too difficult for me to stay on her social media, which I understood. She said we wouldn't block each others numbers though, in case of an emergency. I don't think it would be a good idea to reach out or anything though. It wouldn't be fair to her.

I think maybe we could have been okay, in time, eventually. I don't know. There was a lot to think about, and time doesn't really wait for anybody. And I suppose I have a really bad issue with the future, and maybe that's something I really need to deal with. She has a lot of big decisions to make over the next year or so, and I feel like I would only complicate her life and impact her decision making. It feels awful not having her in my life anymore. We probably talked every day for the last two years nearly. A long distance relationship was never in my plans, but she really did make me feel so happy. Like I mattered. Her dad loved me and I had never even met the guy, but I think we had heard so much about each other, we knew we would have been great pals. She was beautiful, she was funny, incredibly dorky, the kindest, most caring and sweetest girl I've ever known. I kinda regret starting this entry because now I just feel immensely sad and will overthink. I created a playlist for her on Spotify just before we had got together last year, so I've been listening to that on and off for the last few days. There is a strange comfort in it.

It was my second relationship and even though we never actually met, it was very real. I guess not many things excite me, or make me feel like life is worth living, but she really did ignite something in me. I sent her a song once by Ben Folds called 'The Luckiest', it became our song. I'll leave it at the end of the entry. It would have no doubt been our wedding song if we had ever gotten that far. And I have no doubt she has probably listened to it since too. I will have to talk to her again at some point, whether it's a year, two years or five years from now. She touched my life in so many ways and to never hear from her again is just a really heart-breaking thought. No doubt in my mind though, I really was the luckiest.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9bRmuP-kQY Ben Folds - The Luckiest


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