Ad 2:
2021-09-12 12:00:00 (UTC)


I told my sister I think a part of me is in love with my pain
and she didn't understand and I'm bad at articulating my feelings, so I couldn't word it in a way that she could grasp

I think me and her are different in that way though
I will often embrace pain, while she mostly avoids it when she can
We're both so similar and so different

She tells me we're like the sun and moon

We were talking about our childhoods last night

She wants to beat the shit out of the man that helped raise her
I don't blame her
he wants to visit
I will not see him, I have never disliked a person more than I dislike him
She's scared to see him and she's angry at mom for being so okay with him

Our mom has this fun and quirky trait of thinking she can love herself out of accountability
She thinks if she loves us really hard, that it'll make up for the horrible things she's done or will continue to do

My sister said she doesn't know how to even begin healing her relationship with mom

I messaged her back:

"[12:43 AM]
I've surprisingly been able to heal a lot of my shit with mom, but there's still so much that I'm not sure will ever be mended
like the shit she helped put me through still runs through every part of who I am
and I can't shut it off
When I'm around her I still get so angry so fast or so annoyed, and because of the me who was aching for so long and continues to ache
I can't seem to turn off the hurt around her and it comes out horribly
But we have good times together now
I have such abandonment issues when it comes to her
that even her leaving my house makes me want to sob
and it feels pathetic
that I just want my mom to hold me and never leave
My mind is spiraling LMAO"

And then we were both making jokes about how badly we were fucked up as children until we both drifted off to sleep

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