Lost for words at times
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2021-09-12 08:13:42 (UTC)

First Entry

Mood - so far so good

Well l sat here last night and wrote my heart out. Pressed saved and because l was extremly tired and to my horror, l realised l used actual names😐 which could be pretty embrassing if someone from our area found it. I know l could of made it private but why.. i've never hit a delete button so fast in my life.

A year ago September 25th an old friend came back into my life. He was my brothers friend but because there wasn't many girls in our area l was allowed to hang out with them. We was about 8 or 9yrs old. I used to love my friend very much. Because of a traumatic childhood l always felt free when l was with him, we shared lots of adventures together.
As in life we difted apart, although he lived just down the road from me, l didn't get to see him much.
I went on to have 1 husband - divorced and 4 children who are now all grown up, with there own beautiful families.

Whilst l was out running September 25th last year. I went past the area we grew up and whilst l was reminiscing and wondering how my old childhood was doing, my brother texted me and told me that he was asking for my phone number. My brother also told me that he had just recently lost his wife. Numbers where exchanged. This was our initial point of contact although l had seen him a few times thoughout our lives as he owns 2 bands plus 1 upcoming one.

He has 2 children 16 & 18, his wife tragically passed away from motor neurone disease. She was diagonsed the September 2019 and passed away in January 2020.

At first we were just going to be friends with benifits. We see each other as often as we can normally friday nights stop overs at mine and sunday mornings we normally go on long walks together. We are always in contact via texts over 16,000 sent. He has been through alot of ups and downs which is understandable. He loved his wife so very much.

He has lead a completely different life style to mine, he has an alcohol issue and has previously taken alot of drugs. Infact l think he is fairly arrogant about drug use. Maybe because l work with mental health and deal with the outcomes of drug and alcohol abuse l have a different view of them. He basically has done what he wants to do, seen all the bands he has wanted, travelled the world.

I seriously can't detail all what we've been through as it's been alot. So l will add bits along my diary journey.

Friday 3rd Sep just gone. He came around as he normally does and he brought his guitar with him which love hearing him play so l don't mind. But that week and after him having too many Buds and not knowing when enough was enough, l unplugged his amp... he went crazy. He ended up pushing me about and shoving me against my dinning room wall by my neck. Because i'm trainned in defending myself l put him on the floor as l had enough, how could my life long friend do this to me after all i've told him what i've been through in previous relationships. He ended up with a sore leg and back which l felt really guilty about doing, but i'm not going to tolerate things like this happening to me. It breaks my heart...
I saw him a few times last week when normally l wouldn't as he also had to have time off from work and i've been on annual leave.

This friday he came around we had a great time. We stayed up talking until 3.30am time for bed..his back started causing him pain. I gave him painkillers and tried to massage it for him but l got told "don't touch me" at 7.10am l got woken by the results of my weekly PCR test, bloody nhs don't they think people sleep. He was already awake doing his annoying bone clicking shit that he knows really annoys me. I told him to stop he done it more. I got out of bed telling him that l was going to make him coffee so he could take his annoying arse back to his house. 2 coffees later he left. No texts all day until l gave in and texted him at 6pm & 10pm telling him goodnight. I got no replies now i'm left wondering what i've done wrong.

I asked myself a question..
If this was my daughter what would l tell her to do...

Anyway.. l need to go shower, sorry for rambling.
Take care of you x

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