no name
2021-09-12 01:29:42 (UTC)

Belated realization.

That is when she belatedly realized that she is just a waste of money.
Contemplating on how to get help, she decided, was a waste of time when she shouldn’t even need help to function like a normal fudging human being. She had a feeling that even if she did somehow convince her parents to get her professional help (because why would she tell them, they really aren’t to be trusted with those thoughts), it wouldn’t go anywhere and she’d be wasting their money again. Just because she was a lonely kid that didn’t know how to make friends her age (and even if she did she wouldn’t dump that crap on them for no reason, the closer they are, the less they should know since they’re sticking around).
For someone who always claims to hate socializing, it makes no sense to feel that way anyway.

Why am I even here

Downside to being this age is not knowing if I’m actually feeling these things or if it’s just raging hormones, puberty, and synapses strengthening. But even then, that means it’s an internal thing that can’t exactly be fixed. I feel like my parents’ fudging pet. I don’t want to seek their help emotionally. Why would I ever. I might go on strike from listening to music just to make sure I’m not just killing myself with the media I consume. Deleted Tiktok a while ago cuz I didn’t like how addicting it was to just keep scrolling. I don’t really go on any social media anymore, just watch YouTube videos and binge Netflix series with all the time to procrastinate I have. Music huh. That’s literally all I have. The only thing to separate me from this stuff. I’d rather die- well maybe. I don’t know.

What does one do when they can no longer block out the noise of people.
Ah yes, sleep. Sleep it all away. Work it away. Set the fan to the highest setting to blow it all away. Watch more YouTube I guess.

This ‘little phase’ (for lack of better wording) might ruin my year. High school years are important or whatever. They are used for making a living somehow after school. I forgot I have to do more after high school. I wanna die just thinking about it. If I can’t get out of bed to do homework, I’m probably just gonna stop functioning by the time I have more stuff to do. I feel gross. I’m ruining this, actively. I’ve got stuff to do. But I’m tired. And lazy. And I just hate myself right now. I formerly apologize to my future self.

But I just can’t find it within me to care.

From this one angle in our living room, it kind of looks like a dollhouse. If I were a doll, I’d be defective. I wouldn’t be surprised if this house and this entire area is fake and if I went past the limited amount of territory I know, I’d come face to face with government soldiers. We’re a an experiment or something. Or ‘we’ are not even real at all.