miss mess

midlife implosions
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2021-09-11 22:22:56 (UTC)

so many recoveries

man this has been a rough year. i thought about completely deleting all my entries and beginning all over again where i am today. but the history in those entries is too important for me. so even tho its been over a year since i've written, i'm going to begin with today, and consider the past entries...history.

i've completely recovered from corona virus. that was a hard road, and it's taken alot of grit to gain back my immune system, and a body that was pretty thrashed from the affects of the virus. but physically, i'm actually healthier than i've been my whole adult life. in a way, getting the virus was a good thing, because nearly dying scared me enough to finally take care of myself and get healthy. at least physically. a year after having corona virus, i had foot surgery, which brought about another healing process that i had to fight thru. there are still some issues there, but for the most part...the foot keeps me from nothing now. i'm back on top of all my yoga and excelling in ways i didn't really think possible for my age...and certainly didn't think possible over a year ago. physically....i've exceeded my own self doubt and risen above my own self.

mentally and emotionally....is always another story. i'm always on one journey or another, to find health in those areas, but i struggle. i think it may always be that way, no matter how i wish it wasn't so. and right now....i'm being "tried" again....in yet ANOTHER RECOVERY. but this time...its an emotional one. emotional surgery of sorts, where i've lost something very dear to me and trying to find my way thru days without him.

cam and i are finally over. i knew the day would come. i knew it would hurt. but i really wasn't prepared for just how much. it's been 6ish weeks since we ended things. we ended on an agreeable, but very painful note, just knowing that he needs to go in search of the future he deserves, and not continue being held back by a married woman, who will not and can not leave her marriage. somedays, i think i'm doing okay, other days, i crash and burn emotionally and have trouble coping. it's hard to suffer this kind of loss, when your life doesn't allow the grief, because they are unaware of what i had and lost to begin with. pain must be hidden, sucked up, stuffed down. i wear that mask that says i'm okay, but behind it, i'm a mess.

cam wanted to remain friends, and stay in touch like we always have, in our journal daily. i tried. i really did. but you can't get over someone when you are with them every day, and you only want and wish that things were very different. i know that in order to get myself to a place where i'm not in pain every day over the loss of him, that i have to cut myself off from him completely. i don't know many people who experience great love, and remain friends thru the ending of it. like i said...i tried. but it hurts too much every day. so two days ago, i told him that i had to go....i had to stop our daily communications. he wanted us to help each other get over each other. i really wanted to be able to do that. but i can't. he can't help me get over him. i can't run to him with my pain over losing him. and these past six weeks of trying, have kept me in a very messy place.

i think this cutting myself off from him completely will help him too. really....we are just still trying to hang onto each other, any way we can, since we can't have the "US" that we want. but...in that trying to hold on....we aren't letting go.

my life is so...unhappy. my marriage is still a complete wreck. cam would have never happened if that weren't the case. no one who is happy in their marriage...has an affair. my husband and i lost each other 9 years ago, during my depression and horror-like menopause. but when i came thru both, cam and i had already happened, and my focus the last four years, has been on him. he was my happy place, my escape, my love, my job, my heat, my oasis, my everything. he was the person who SAW me. without that...without cam, i'm forced to sit in my marriage and see the damage within in more clearly. it's ugly. it's bad. my husband is a good man, but he abandoned me in ways that still hurt me, when i was going thru my depression. he basically, just wanted me to get over it. he was not there, and didn't want to be there, because it was difficult and heartwrenching. he just stood back, waiting for me to get over it and get back to normal. neither of us knew it would be an 8 year hell. and then neither of us expected that i'd never be the same i was before it.

during this time of hurting over losing cam, and facing the destruction of my marriage, i've turned to working on myself. the depression, and corona virus had impacts on me that made me realize i've never really known who i am, after so many years of being what others need me to be, and being deathly ill last year, made me realize that i want to live. but i need to do it authentically for the first time in my life, and not according to the needs of those around me. i've become completely lost in my quest to be their everything. something i'll never regret because focusing on family and getting them to good places in their life....is something i cherish and grateful to have gotten to do. but once they were grown, i found myself "useless", and wavering in a place of "who am i?" if i'm not what i was to them for all those years....then what am i? it's a sad and confusing place to be. and while the idea of finding (or creating) myself has been heavy on my heart for a while now, i've mostly focused on my physical journey. it was easier, but it doesn't involve digging into myself. but now....it's time to focus more fully. i just think it would be a shame to die without knowing who i really am, and finding true joy and contentment in that. i've never known those things when it comes to myself. i've experienced them with my children for their lives. but not for myself. it's time.

so, basically i'm still pretty messy. suffering heartache over losing cam, sitting in an unhappy marriage, and trying to begin a self journey on a serious level, instead of half assing it. it's alot. but i figure if i'm every going to have anything to give ever again...whether to my husband if things can be repaired somewhere up the road, or to anyone else....i first have to have something to give. right now...i have nothing. you have to love yourself before you can truly love another right? i'm not sure i totally believe that, because i've loved greatly. but still....it feels like time to learn to love myself. it's time to fill myself up, because at this point....i feel pretty empty.

this journal has always been about honesty, even if some may judge me for the things i do. i aim to keep it honest still....as i move forward now in my own journey. i aim to face the parts of myself i don't like, to try to understand the why's of how i am and how i react to things the way that i do....keeping myself behind walls all the time. i am to try to face everything that i've denied for way too long, and find myself under all the years of denial.

i bought a self discovery journal....a 52 week plan of exercises, designed to get you to your true self. i will be sharing the exercises here as i do them once a week. i honestly don't know if i'm dreading it...or excited about it. probably a little of both. but either way....it's time. i am not young...i've got less years ahead of me than i have already lived. if i'm going to find this true happiness and self love that have both always alluded me...the time is now. i've spent the last year in many different modes of healing and recovery. and tho those modes are still in active stages, now i need to recover "myself".

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