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2021-09-11 18:40:34 (UTC)

I feel disgusting again

These movies and shows manage to make everything look so much more good looking. Staying up late and having the light on, all that brightness, it looks so much more aesthetic in a movie. The ugliness of a scene like that can be turned into a dream-like place. Or the simple things people do can end up looking much more special when watching it happen. They even manage to make problems look beautiful. Insecurities and problems with certain aspects of social interactions just look--ok maybe its because some of them are animated that they dont seem as mortifying as it would in real life--less ugly. Maybe ugly is a strong word, but in comparison to everything that my eye can see around me in real life, this is pretty ugly. Staying up late with a light on just makes me feel like I'm wasting electricity, especially since I don't like looking at my room in the first place (because sharing a room automatically makes it unsightly).

But I guess it doesn't matter. The only reason insecurities and social problems would be issues for me is because I let emotions get the best of me. Truly, none of it even matters. Not in the bleak future I envision, and especially not now. I want to go to sleep. I'll finish that movie later, the character made a terrible mistake that genuinely hurt my heart because (sympathy? empathy?) it was such a bad move to have made accidentally. Second hand stress/panic or something.

I want to remain in my own dimension, world. Alone with my music and work. and hopefully sleep. Nothing to worry about outside of those things but I know they'll take me away. Force me to comply with their rules and regulations because they want me to stress out and learn from those near panic attacks. Because learning is fun. So much fun. So fun I could just die.


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