Prophetess

Prophetess
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2021-09-10 23:08:34 (UTC)

The Big Blue Sky World

I role play. Tabletop, online, and even now I’m dipping my toe into LARP. I’ve been doing it for many years and over that time I’ve seen a lot. I’ve seen quite a few different types of personalities in my time. Not all of them were good. I hear a lot of there’s no drama here. My most favorite is the ones that cry they do not want drama. The thing of it is that those are usually the ones in the middle of it. It’s the same for life as well. Over time you come to realize that the same personalities you see in game are the same ones you see in life. In this particular case I’ve come to see that for someone life imitates art. Or the other way around in many cases. I’m going to remain vague, but I have to get this out of my head.

When I look back, I’ve been seeing the picture more clearly. Life and art are becoming one and that’s a dangerous thing. This last week has been a big eye opener for me. I’ve gotten to see what I never thought I would. In this case it’s a matter of you don’t see it or you won’t admit it. When people walk away from a game, from your life, for any reason it’s the time to look at things that you are doing. They don’t owe you a reason for what they choose. In game it’s their character to do with as they please. Don’t bring the real world into it. Don’t court trouble by trying to find the reasons things are the way they are. Just accept it. On the same note, when people leave you, they have their reasons. If you’re upset about that then perhaps, I could suggest something that I had to do. It’s ugly. It’s painful. It’s dirty and difficult. When people started walking out of my life, I let a lot of them go. What I did was to look at myself and what I was doing. I knew they didn’t owe me an explanation. I had to learn the lesson for myself. I had to change.

I took time to look at myself and that’s how this journal got started. This has been my journal to see myself. I’ve looked back at my growth and who I am. From where I was in California to where I am now. I had to build my own empire. I had to change, and it was painful. I had to learn to be the person I am now. I still have some things that I work on from years for damage. I kept the lessons and moved on. I talk about them to take away their power. I want my own power. The person I’m becoming is the friends that I want to have for myself. I try to be the mom that I wanted for so long. I try to release the things that are no longer any good for me or even toxic. This particular person may want to give that a try. As it was pointed out, yes, I’m making some really good friends and I’m grateful for them. I appreciate them. They have been patient with me when I get overexcited. I sometimes do that. I’m glad for the friends that I have had that have been there.

I learned to be grateful for more than anything. Yes, I built my empire on my own. I’m always working on it. Things are still in the works for change. There are a few things missing. I’m getting off track a bit. The thing with role play is when you start dragging the real world into the hobby, that’s the time to step away. Nothing good has ever come from that. At the end of the day role play is a hobby. It is something that many of us do (it’s a big world out there) that it’s our way to relax. It’s a way to spend time with friends. It isn’t the validation to our lives. That’s what it comes down to. If it (your hobby, any of them) rule your life, then it’s not so much addiction as it is seeking validation. I need no validation to my life. I’m on the path that I want to be on. I’m heading in the direction I want to go. When you use your hobby as weapon (consciously or subconsciously) and find yourself alone in what you do then it means that you are the problem. It means that it is time to step away and get your yard together. Whether it’s seeking validation in your life from other places that are lacking or seeking to fill some void (addiction, it comes in many forms) you will eventually bleed on others around you. Some will never out loud admit they might be at fault. It’s a bad place to be because I was there myself once. My hobbies are just that. My hobbies now. While role play will always be a main one (in all its forms) I’ve changed others like the winds. No longer do I look for the validation. I’m content with myself and my world. I’m content with the changes that are always around the bend. My big blue-sky world is a different animal than my hobbies though. My big blue-sky world is full of work, school, kids (even grown), friends, and family. The things that matter at the end of the day. My hobbies? Those are like fifth down the list. If even that. I am aware of how I treat people more than ever. I still hold the value though of I will always be honest. Like me, hate me you’ll at least know where you stand with me. Perhaps it is time for an intervention. Maybe it’s time to let myself be brutally honest. Not publicly but it may be time to open that scar. Does that make me a bad friend? Does that make me a horrible person? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that eventually the universe will show me what’s best. I’m in a strange place. If I don’t do or say something than I’m left feeling like a bad friend. If I do or say something than it could be received poorly. It’s something to think on. For now, a full head is now empty and maybe I can sleep tonight without all this lingering. I’m in the middle of a busy month for me. I’m really excited for the coming weekend. Before I go though, I have some things to meditate on. Maybe the universe will tell me then.


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