There will be times where I can dress up and put on a bunch of accessories and think, wow, I can actually be a pretty girl. Then in the end it's back to, wow, I'm literally a dude cosplaying as a girl that has boobs for some reason. Sometimes I think I'd be a pretty dude but not a good looking girl. It's strange. It's not that I want to cut off my tatas, it's more like, I don't want people to perceive me as female. I'd rather be seen as a dude or they.
Although, when I'm alone, I feel genderless. Not perceived by others nor myself. I am nothing, nothing but thoughts and emotions, neither feminine nor masculine, just nothing. And it's not that I want to feel that way, it's numbing in a way. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of sensations and feelings, emotions that people normally experience. But, that's just how it is.