legacy

If I die today
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2021-09-10 14:49:18 (UTC)

smoked

its raining right now oddly enough. We're olny estimated to get 1 tenth of an inch which is baout right for our area. This morning the smoke got pretty intence at the same time I was doing laundry and walking the dog so made me feel overall bad. Right now thou feeling ok. soo i just checked my balance and Im a little uner what I budgeted for this week and I'm trying to purge out the C monster and I believe that the ash tray here is hers of course its nDea's he uses it soo althou im no a whole hearted green supporter I just ordered an ash tray for him and it turns out I can get it by monday so if its here early this week before his birthday it wont be to suspious giving it to him. I'm not encouraging smoking green and at the same time I'm in no postion to shame it or rebuke it a little edgy on where I stand so who knows. so anyhow I've been trying to sneak in little things for "us" and hoping his past life gets pushed out. althou I dont see him gettin rid of much andmaybe its mean exspecialy since I wasnt here I cant firmly say what was his her or 'thiers" . I need to be sincere thou so trying to be cool aboutit all and gentle maybe its mean or abrassive to try to erease someone past or thier"ex". I just still have some much anxiety about her and I guess the word is resentment its all uneasy I dont trust her I dont like her an I think he puts himself in bad postions for her and I dont appreciate him sacrifiing out of the life we want to have to give to her. Anyhow need to focus on other things and this is probally a spiritual issue that I should take up with the LORD and stop the little petty fleshy works and physical thigns to try to correct this and seek justice on my own and sadly I have to accept nDea has made the choice to allow this monster to not olny continue to consume himbut to be a part of his life. He is makeing that choice to let himself be treated that way. I dont think i can marry him if all our assets are to include her haveing access to whatever she thinks she needs when investing in someone who is doing nothing no good nothing to improve themselves or others is a total waste. I wonder if she will kill hersself. Like in a sad way not a sick way like I want her to die but literally she has NO purpose I dont think anyone has spoken well of her althou she seems to be welcome and invitd to things so they are in touch so some sorta frieendship or connection . nDea may have been her whole world and removing what she thought she captured or earned inlife must be devasting. the story repeadly is told that she told him should could not get pregant and then showed up pregant and for 20 some odd years they were an item since her pregancy.
Tommorw I should be getting together with yLindse in the morning if thats still on. If I do not get a chekc in the mail to pay my loan I will just go ahead and send a gift card this weekedn. been thinking bout the news and so if t"they" are so worried about taxing hospitals why not just refuse the noncompliant. that would solve this problem but no they seem to want to play this game and push the adgenda. so see I think its sorta a scheme why would they have such a vested interst in saving your life if its a waste of the "good" citzens resources. Anyhow nDea just got home so want to get some attention in a sec.
last night took 3 melation. Short nap today 2 excersice videos today no run just a smokey walk.


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