can we just lie here a little bit?
today i had (another) one of those moments of lucidity along the lines of "jesus fuck, a spicy amount of unhinged lately sir". trying to frame it as me evolving as a person, but not fooled. i'm in my head too much (insight). it feels quite unhealthy. hyperfixaxtion on sabotaging lines of thought. knowing the path forward conceptually but no damn footing or clear trail to advance. falling into old thought patterns - fully romanticized.
beginning of september is tough. there are some dates on the calendar that reverberate still. spooky szn beckons. safe to say i'm haunted in perpetuity. doomed.
presently. lack of repair on my closet continued, forcing me to have dial up the tone in my email. it worked. but at what cost. now the cc*c maintenance team hates me (hyperbolic). nothing for nearly 3 months and then kapow, contractor bursting in as I'm basically running out of the shower. he says next week he will begin work. let's fucking go brosif. good news, though it ended up disregulating my shit for the rest of theday. morning routine
once again. i try to write something after feeling an emotion watching (celeste and jesse forever) and i am unable to really expand on or write about it and instead talk around it. this is the blockage. i haven't felt secure since the last time i laid next to you. my muscles wither now, exposed. the way I love, impossible to reconcile. it's so bad. i almost want to feel safe more than loved, if i had to choose.
all I am is a hyperfixaxtion on an idea(l) whose time passed long ago.
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