LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2021-09-09 14:08:17 (UTC)

nothing nothing nothing

"Birthday Song" by Wednesday [I've been listening to this band's discography. There's such a range of inspiration I detect here. Some Soccer Mommy, Snail Mail—sometimes I hear faint hints of Pinegrove or Built to Spill, Waxahatchee and Land of Talk, Lomelda. Sidney Gish?? Once I even heard a riff that reminded me of Dinosaur Jr. And also I think I got a hint of Mitski-esque melody in the song "Coyote." Anyway, who knows how many of these bands Wednesday actually drew from, but I like quite a few of their songs. This one is by far my favorite. I wish it was longer. The lyrics are brilliant—that feeling of making absurdly bad decisions, and knowing you'll look back and laugh about it, or at worst cringe. But it seems so close and serious at the time in which it happens, the pulsing bruise feeling associated with a rough night.]

We were sitting around
Waiting for one of us
To come down
We were in high school
We’d just dropped acid in
Someone’s living room
Didn’t know where to look
He jumped out of the window
And broke his foot

He tried to fix it himself
But it wouldn’t work this time
We tried to get rid of the stuff
So one of us could get up to drive

I thought it really set the tone
Couldn’t laugh at it yet
Wasn’t far away from it yet

September 9, 2021 Thursday 2:13 PM

Anxiety has me filled up to the heart. It's one of those days where I eat a banana and that's going to be my meal until dinner, and it's one of those days where I play piano with stiff and fumbling fingers, periodically phasing out into a memory or a thought. It's, yeah—it's one of those days.

The culprit, cause, etc.—is that I have a date tonight. It's a second date. It makes me nervous for many reasons, makes me feel guilty for another slew. After this, I will stop dating again, I think, because Delta makes me nervous.

Besides, I hate the nervy process of a date. To what end? It all feels very useless. I'm not going to come out feeling infatuated or in love. Even if it's kind of fun, it doesn't work that way. This guy, he's cool. I should be honest and tell him I'm not interested, but that's for later. But the thing is, I just don't care enough. I haven't put his name in my phone. I'm ready to go through my contacts list and delete, delete, delete, to be honest.

His body type reminds me of Adrian's. Compact and strong. He could probably lift me. It makes me shudder a little.

Being home is—one of the downsides is the way I think I vaguely recognize silhouettes in the grocery store. Laney's cousin said hello to me on the way out of the Hannaford a week or two ago, and I wondered if she was going to tell Laney I was around. Either way, it wouldn't affect anything.

The guy called me cute in passing at some point. I hate the way conversation takes on the shape of flirting, and I hate the way I accidentally slip into some quirky persona. Anyway, I did as I do, and side-stepped the compliment. This was weeks ago but it sticks in my mind, because it betrays something about him, and then something about me. I don't think he's cute or not. I don't think he should find me cute either. Or non-cute. I think he should not care either way, like I don't. I think we should be perfectly normal together, a proper distance, but it's childish to think that, maybe?

I hope I don't get murdered tonight. And I hope I don't feel hungry today, because I don't really feel like eating. The idea seems kind of— ugh.

I think I'm going to contact my doctor about my anxiety. I couldn't sleep very well and I think I had nightmares again. Wait—yeah, I did. I remember because I woke up whimpering at some point in the night. The sound of my own crying woke me up. That doesn't happen a lot haha. I can't remember what it was, that scared me so bad. Not even a hint of it. But it was clearly extremely distressing. All I remember is, later in the dream, I was complaining to Ash about how apple got rid of the normal USB ports in their laptops, and that I thought that was really cruel because it makes you have to buy extra stuff just to use a mouse or something. Or an external hard drive. So stupid. I am perpetually pissed about that, because my computer is like 8 years old now and it's been sort of struggling to keep up with my chaos. Sometimes it just randomly restarts lmaooo. I really am cruel to it.

OK I am gonna go now because I wanted to maybe draw a bit. And study Mandarin, since I've been really putting it off. I hope I can sleep tonight because I need to get up early to bring my car in for the annual inspection. I feel so—boring.


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