My Boring Ass Life
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First Day Of Uni
Today was a stressful day, I had my first day of school and I already felt like I was behind everyone else. Everything sucks!
My professor told the class that the class average was a C and I'm scared. This is a class full of smart students, I got waitlisted multiple times before I got accepted. I want to get an A in the class but, the majority of people in this program are smarter than me and they are getting so much lower grades than my goal. So many people asked questions after questions, stayed after class, they had so much discipline and resolve. What about me? I struggled to get into this program but I want to do better than the class average? Thats crazy. I don't know whats wrong with me.
I studied today for 4 hours, plus two hours of class. Pathetic. I kinda hate myself a bit.
I don't think I'm cut out for this, I'm so so scared. What if I fail, how will I survive?
My mom yelled at me today for eating crackers. I hate her. I fucking hate her. When I first came downstairs I saw her sleeping on the couch. She looked like a sleeping demon. She even looks fucking horrible and scary when she's sleeping. I sneaked around the kitchen counter, bent down to open the drawer, and opened the bag. I let down my guard, she woke up from the crumbling of the bag. The second I look up, I see her face, her entire body is upright and she's staring at me. I woke up the demon and she's not happy about it.
Right away Satan yells at me, "Why are you looking at me like that?!" and, I wanted to piss myself. Right away she comes over and yells at me again, "Why are you eating this?". The devil is hunched down staring into my eyes, her knees bent, her mouth open showing her fangs, and her hands opened prepared to fight. I hate it when my parents shame me for what I eat, like you can fucking talk you're overweight and I'm underweight. Then she yells again "I made rice, why are you eating this bullshit?!".
Then Satan runs out of my sight, sparing me, and making their entrance known by stomping up the stairs, then finishing a display of their power by slamming the door hiding inside their den. I hate Satan. I wish she would leave me alone.
I look to my father for attention and love, as he passively watched Satan take away my vitality, and I look up to him for advice, my god, my hope. He opens his mouth and says "what can you do?" as he shrugged his arms, fucker. This god I once looked up to for advice spoke those words as if I deserved it. I woke up Satan, I consumed food, I deserve it. Then this fucker I call a father said "It's your body babe", as if I need to hear it because I'm so fucking unhealthy, I'm so overweight, I FUCKING HATE YOU!. YOUR THE ONE WHOSE FUCKINGF OVERWEIGHT DONT GIVE ME THAT SHIT, NO DONT gIVE ME THAT SHIT. I fucking hate you. i hate you! i.hate.you. Its so hard not to get an eating disorder man, i really struggle sometimes. I hate everyone so much.
The worse part is that they can be so nice, like once my mother let me fall asleep in her arms, I felt so nice and loved. And my parents are paying for my university. And sometimes my dad calls out my name in an excited happy tone (Most of the time its a bit patronizing) but I still feel loved.
But other times like today, I feel unloved. WHy is it so hard to love me properly you fucker? Am I so worthless?
I hate my entire family, my sister for just watching unbothered, my mom for being an emotional whiney bitch, and my dad for well everything.
You know, my family didn't ask how my first day of school was, only my mom very briefly when picking me up from the library. She didn't say "well done for working hard today" or "Good job on finishing your first day of school", not a single word. No one asked. No one. Not my dad, Not my sister. They didn't even seem to remember. And my mom didn't seem to care she only said what she had to say. I hate this fucking quarantine, I'm stuck in this house, with a bunch of losers. You want to know who did ask about my first day??! Literally all of my friends that I told a couple days before. They all asked how it went, and talked to me. I felt so loved. Sometimes I bitch about my friends and stuff but honestly I'm lucky to have them but I don't know why they are friends with me. They are all pretty amazing and better than me. Anyways I spent like a total of 3 hours talking to them. So I guess there's a good moral to the end of this diary post, if your family doesn't love you and can always find someone else who will love you so much more. Lol my friend just texted me. I feel so loved by them today.
Im really hungry since I couldnt really eat before, but now everyone is asleep so im going to eat.
Bye everyone, and sorry for not editing it for grammar mistakes.