If I die today
This is really hard for me to have a REAL adult relaship and is it right it it real is it worth it if well he HAS to have his ex over in OUR place isit worth ending over that? well on my own this morning while nDea was at wrork I ran/walked the dog unmotivatly thinking about what to do bc I love him and I dont want to hurt him . Or loose out this is a good quality specail man. in my own thinking I wondered if I had actually commited to him foreverr did I literly promise him that I thiought I had but maybee just maybe it was never an obligation. so I looked up the word forever in my text and oh boy we've been talking about our forever forever. so where do we go IDK. I care and love him deeply and much on lunch he came home looking pathetic drained and just not right and then he mentioned his back pain he doesnt know how much more he can endure this job it was so sad. he's really hurting and has a lot on his plate but I think at some point I need to talk to him and find out what he thinks if I can forgive me if I break my commitiment it seems o be more than I can handle. And I see no nearing resoultion and cant let my life keep going on and find out that he casnt respect on honor my one simple request about this woman. anyhow I ran for a few minutes today did and excersiz video hope to go outside for another workout later but IDK what tonight holds we are planning on shopping for gorcoeries but who knows with the pain he's in. I showered. I ate some today. I weighed in at 114 which is better but ugh I'm still not happy. eMichell got her gift today and she loves it and shes feeling better today:P thats cool. oh I still have the pain in shoulders and necks. As far as if i passed I still havnt paid my mom this month I seem to be full of delaying geetting this check in a mailbox. i have the funds . so I want to at least get that done one way or another if I keep smehow complicating getting a check in the mail Ill send a gift card the end of this week. nDea is still my man my love and my heart and right now in honorable postion in my life. Id like for him to get some pain releif whatever it is he needs. otherwise no intence intentions in my heart/mind
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