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2021-09-06 19:19:30 (UTC)

A Curse and a Blessing

Today is a strange day. An unrealised harrowing epiphany. I dont want it to come true, I dont even want to speak it. My core aches when I zone into it and everytime this horrible horrible knowing comes into my second sight, I cry the tears I know I will feel when it happens.

A death of someone close to you is hard enough but when you physically feel that looming heartache, everything aches before its happened. There is nothing, not anything you can do. I've fought it all day, pushed it aside, I dont want this!

It began with a normal day, not long from when I awoke I felt the rage inside me of the loss, a stage if bereavement that isn't usually at the beginning. Then the emotion came, tears. All day, I've tried to work, my eyes just stream slow continuous tears, unable to stop, unable to contain themselves. As it began then the knowing came and I said, "No!" I don't want to know this. But there is nothing that can stop it. It is life, cycle, where the beginning starts at the end but nooo, I dont want to know this!

When I was in my late teens I told a friend, "This is a blessing and a curse." Referring to my sensitivity to the spirit world, energy and the knowing. Oh, what it is to be ignorant to it all. How one would never need ponder on the cruelness of human traits or be overwhelmed with frustration not able to tell that secret evil that you know, that you can see right inside them. You have no power to change that, no power to stop loss, or danger. Because destiny is the contract with oneself, nothing can infiltrate that but yourself.

I really wish and hope I am wrong but this incurable doom looming over me I've felt before and death came a day later.

Please, let me be wrong.

I packed up work at 4pm to put on my hiking boots and go walking to try and disconnect this, but I couldn't. It only proved more profound and all the walk served as was an hour and half of exercise in the hot weather.

I hope tomorrow is different.
But I fear it will not be

With this coming today, after two nights before seeing the horrific extremely detailed vision with colour, sound and feeling of my ex boyfriend jumping off a window ledge high up in a building and falling to his death, with sound and the awful sight of his remains. I awoke knowing something is coming. And it isn't him, its not about him.

I'm concerned too because its my mums birthday today and neither her it my dad have been contactsble all morning, afternoon or this evening. My brother cannot reach them either.

My core is exploding right now. So I am out in the garden, the stars are out. Trying to find some clarity on their situation and this knowing.

A curse and blessing for sure.