I need to get back into my few ..
I need to get back into my few good habits. Writing down what I taken when I take it; writing in here.
I just had a memory of one time when I stayed with my grandma, as I did about once a year when I was younger. I yelled at her, saying "You're so strict!" "I'm so strict am I?" She responded angrily. I forget if she said anything else.
This must've been around the time my sister had told her what her son had done to my sister.
I can't recall any one thing that had elicited that response from me, only that she had been unusually snappy and it was stressing me out. I didn't know exactly what the word 'strict' meant at the time, I'd probably read the word in 'Matilda' and took it to mean something like cruel, bitchy.
I'm watching 'Malina' again. I'm fairly sure I know what the film is about, but some of the symbolism is confusing still. What's with all the cars, and the scene at the beginning where everyone is looking at the window? I'd like to read the book.
A few books I would like to read:
Dispossessed Lives: Enslaved Women, Violence, and the Archive
by Marisa J. Fuentes.
One Drop: Shifting the lens on race
by Dr Yaba Blay.
by Torrey Peters (fiction)
by Isabel Fall (short story)
Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator
by Amy Gahran.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
by Jessica Fern.
I didn't really think before that it'd be worth reading books about ethical non-monogamy, but the 2 I listed seem particularly relevant to the specifics I've been wondering about a lot. Turns out the only polyam person I know is the one I've been seeing, and even he did that damn hierarchal thing. It doesn't seem right to me. Maybe it'll turn out that's how I'm actually wired, but I don't think so.
It might also be worth actually going to meet up with other polyam people. Sure they will be mostly white and middle-class and notably older than me, but not all of them will be that much older than me.
It feels good to be going out again. I just wish I'd detoxed while there was nothing going on. And that I'd saved up my money.
I might have a client on Tuesday. I'm not getting the best vibes from him but not the worst either. I will probably have to get a little buzzed first. But I don't want to get to the point where I become careless or ignore my gut.