Scream Above the Sounds
2021-09-05 10:47:33 (UTC)

Beneath the Mask

This entry is titled after a piece of music from Persona 5, I actually used this music to fall asleep to during quite a distressing time. I'll leave a link at the bottom of the entry if anyone is interested.

These last few weeks have been rough, drama fuelled, alcohol fuelled. There is a storm coming, I can feel it. I've been boozing so much the last few weeks, somebody in our FFXIV group joked that I was becoming an alcoholic and I wonder if maybe there is some truth to that? Probably not. I'm not dependant on it. I'm just a social drinker, and we do play a lot of drinking games online. The only time I ever thought 'Fuck, I need a drink' was when I knew it was over with my ex. I'm not the kind of person who would just crack open a few beers on a Friday night alone or whatever. Not that I think there is a problem with that, it's just not me I guess. I get my kicks from video games I suppose? Alcohol does lower inhibitions I guess, it makes me feel better about myself, for a while anyway. I think lately we have just had a lot of events going on and if there is booze, it would be rude not to, right?

E-mails are constantly shooting around regarding university now. One minute we're staying home, the next minute we're attending campus. I don't even know what's happening anymore, and I honestly don't want to right now. I'm kinda tuning it out because it scares me. I hope it will be comfortable and I'll get through it okay. I feel quite sad at the minute, I think maybe it's because I've been listening to music from a different time and it's evoked a lot of memories, good and bad. I think watching the TV show Fresh Meat on Netflix has made me feel a bit more depressed too. It's about students at university and I watch it and realise that my life is nothing like that. Admittedly I am a lot older than the characters in the show, but still. I guess I never ever really had that wild period in my life. I did used to go to town regularly when I was a bit younger, but never engaged in anything some people would describe as 'fun' I guess. Drugs, sex with strangers, whatever it may be. I just view them as irresponsible, and they obviously are, but people should live a little, you know? Beneath my mask lies depression and anxiety. I think I talk the talk but absolutely don't walk the walk. I think people have a huge misconception of me in real life and I don't know if that's good or bad. I just know it's better that they don't see the dark in me. It's a lot easier for people to think you're happy-go-lucky.

My parents told me that they are going away for a week tomorrow, so that should feel somewhat liberating. We aren't super close but it's always nice to know they are in the house and safe, an odd soothing presence. I was thinking of maybe having some sort of party or having people around, but it's unlikely. I just want to chill out. I started a new character to play through the story in FFXIV so maybe I'll just have a solid week of wandering around in my underwear, eating junk food and playing Final Fantasy. That's some 'self-care' week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uq7kyf1T_lk - Persona 5 - Beneath the Mask - Rainy Mood - 10 Hours


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